Friday, December 29, 2006

But We Don't Want Kids!

Today, Biff gives us a glimpse into the future

Dear Biff,

I am getting married soon to a really great guy. We share a lot of goals in life, one of those is that neither of us wants children. We both have college degrees, successful careers, and don't want children to interfere with our climbs up the corporate ladder. On top of that, we are in our 30s and don't want to still be tied down with brats into our late 50s.

Family, friends, and acquaintances are always asking us when we're going to start a family. When I tell them that we don't want children, invariably, they lecture us about how wonderful children are and how much we would be missing.

Both of us love children. There are nieces and nephews which we enjoy visiting, but "visiting" is the operative word. When we are sick of them, we can leave. We enjoy having the kind of lifestyle where we can travel at the drop of a hat, dine out whenever we like, and work late without worrying about child care.

How can we respond to people who question our choice?

— Childless by Choice

Dear Sophie's Choice,

Perhaps your family, friends, and acquaintances simply don't want you to escape from the endless drudgery to which they are enslaved: changing diapers, cooking meals, cleaning up poop, and listening to sniveling little brats whine when they realize they are not the center of the universe.

They call it the crab bucket syndrome: If you go out and catch a bucket of crabs, soon one will try to scale the side of the bucket to escape. Rather than encouraging him, his fellow captives will grab at his legs and pull him back into the bucket to ensure he suffers the same fate as the rest of them.

And, I can sympathize with them. I'm not sure anyone deserves the kind of happiness that being financially successful and childless would bring to a couple.

But, look at this another way: You and your husband both sound like highly-educated, culturally knowledgeable, valuable members of society. A large percentage of couples like yourselves are remaining childless, yet our country still has a birthrate that provides complete replenishment of the population.

So, who then is having children?

A bunch of cousin-fuckin' morons in Winchester, West Virginia and Hollywood, Florida that think Big Time Wrestling, Larry the Cable Guy, and wine coolers are high culture. How the fuck else can you explain that NASCAR is the fastest growing sport in the country?

Add to that the illiterate, uneducated masses that are jumping the fence every day to get here, and you should be able to see the freight train that is looming in the distance, heading straight for you.

If not, let me make this clear: At a time when low-skilled, dead-end manufacturing jobs are disappearing faster than beluga caviar at a meeting of the Massachusetts Society of Mayflower Descendants, you are helping to ensure that the segment of our population capable of only such work will continue to grow.

In that light, don't you think your decision is just an eensie, weensie bit selfish?

I hope this helps.

Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Do you have a lot of extra cash to invest in a questionable business venture? Write to And visit Red Flag Publishing to BUY OUR BOOKS!

Friday, December 15, 2006

They Used to Have a Name for Women Like This ...

How Men See Women in a Bar
How Men See Women in a Bar
Originally uploaded by Biff Humble

Again, biff finds the silver lining to a very slutty cloud (and we mean "slutty" in its most positive sense of the word).

Dear Biff

I am in a relationship with a woman who has a bunch of guy friends. She had all of these friends when we began dating, so I felt kind of special that I was the one getting laid.

But now, a year into it, she still spends a lot of time with these guys. Sometimes it seems like more than she spends with me. She hangs out with them at the bar a lot, and although she swears that nothing has ever happened, she has admitted that several of them have come on to her.

I would like to continue seeing her, but I'm feeling more and more insecure about her hanging out with "the guys.'

What should I do?

Trying to be sympathetic

Dear Simp:

It's time to face the fact that your girlfriend is a slut.

Not just any old, run-of-the-mill slut, she is the worst kind of slut: An attention slut. She's the kind of chick who likes to hang out with guys at the bar who constantly buy her drinks and hang on her every word. Why does she do this? Because it makes her feel special to be the center of attention, and it makes her feel powerful to command her gaggle of men friends like they were a pack of trained poodles. And why would the guys do this? They are hoping to be the one who gets lucky that night.

Let me digress here: How do I know that the guys are thinking this? Because they are guys. What other reason would they have to hang around with a woman in a bar? Intellectually stimulating conversation? Yeah, right.

Guys hang around women in bars because they hope that with enough liquor in them, the women might suddenly be struck by an attack of the hornies at the same moment in time that their judgment in men is sufficiently dampened to the point that anything standing upright on three legs will do, and they might be the guy lucky enough to be standing next to them when that rare confluence of events happens.

Now, back to my main point: Why is your girlfriend the worst type of slut? Because after sucking up all the time, money and conversation that these guys could have been using on some other slut who might actually expose her genitalia to them, your girlfriend goes home and bangs you.

But, there is a bright side to having a girlfriend who is an attention slut. It means you don't have to spend your time, money and conversation just to get into her pants. These other guys have spent their whole night priming the pump, and you get to fuck the living hell out of the water.

So, what the hell are you complaining about? The worst thing that could happen is that some night she might suddenly be struck by an attack of the hornies at the same moment in time that her judgment in men is sufficiently dampened to the point that anything standing upright on three legs will do.

In which case, you just ask her to take a shower before coming to bed.

I hope this helps.

Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Do you have a lot of extra cash to invest in a questionable business venture? Write to And visit Red Flag Publishing to BUY OUR BOOKS!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Help, My Mom Won't Come To Visit!

Today, Biff ... ummmmm ... well, he thinks ... uhhhh, that is, he wonders ... well, just read on, and see for yourself:

Dear Biff,

I am at the end of my wits.

My husband and my mother have never gotten along well, but during my parent's last visit, things got uglier than usual.

My mother has always been outspoken, and she made some critical comments about my husband. He responded, telling her that if she found his company so displeasurable, she needn't force herself to endure it, and could ease her pain very simply: by leaving his house.

Of course, she stalked out. She then made my father cut short their visit by several days, and returned home (they live about a thousand miles away).

So, now the problem: the holidays are approaching, and my parents always fly out to visit us for the week between Christmas and New Year's Day. But, my mother phoned me this week to say that this year they would not be traveling to see us.

This will be the first year in our 15-year marriage that we have not spent the holidays together. What should I do?


Hoping for a reconciliation

Dear Hope,

Let me see if I understand this correctly:

For the first time in 15 years, your husband does not have to spend his Christmas holiday being insulted in his own home by your overly critical, hypersensitive, domineering mother.

I don't see any problem here.

Next question?

I hope this helps.

Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Do you have a lot of extra cash to invest in a questionable business venture? Write to And visit Red Flag Publishing to BUY OUR BOOKS!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Good Girls Pretend They Don't

Today, Biff provides women with a bit of information they should all know, but don't ... or are they just pretending?

Dear Biff,

I am a female college student in a long-distance relationship with a guy from my hometown. My question for you is, when do I tell guys I meet here that I am in a relationship?

I've met some great guys here at college, but I'm not sure if they are interested in dating me or just being friends. I don't want to bring up that I'm in a relationship too soon, or wait so long that it's awkward.

What should I do?

Debating the Issue

Dear Deb,

Either you are really stupid, or you think I am.

First off, just in case you really are stupid: any guy at college who walks up to you and says, "Hi," wants to sleep with you. If he doesn't, he is either queer, or you are fat and ugly.

Wait a minute, I take that back. If he doesn't want to sleep with you, he must be queer, because college guys will sleep with you even if you are fat and ugly. They'll just get drunk first.

Wait a minute, I take that back. They'll probably get drunk first even if you are as hot as Heidi Klum with tits as big as Lindsey Lohan. After all, they're college guys.

So, with that out of the way, do you think I'm stupid?

You aren't hanging out with "some great guys here at college" just to make new friends, any more than they are.

The best time to tell a guy you are in a relationship is right after he pulls his penis out of your vagina for the last time (post giganticus climacticus for you pre-med students). That way, he won't feel guilty when he gets up in the middle of the night, and sneaks out half-dressed. Which, by the way, he was going to do anyway. But, by telling him you are in a relationship post-coitus, you have dispensed with that awkward moment when he has to say, "I'll call you," when he has absolutely no intention to do so, and prevented him from feeling that ever-so-slight tinge of guilt when he sees you at the bar next weekend.

You know that moment: When you are chatting up another "great guy from college," and he's utilizing alcohol to work his way into the pants of some other drunken co-ed, and you see each other across the room.

That moment when you think to yourself, "You know, he was kind of nice, I wonder if he liked me?" and he thinks, "Oh, yeah, I tapped that!"

I hope this helps.

Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Are you willing to provide free room and board without expecting sex in return? Write to Unless you said, "yes" to that part about not expecting sex in return. I was just kidding about that. And visit Red Flag Publishing

Friday, November 17, 2006

Any Nice Guys With Big Dicks Out There?

Finally, a reader reaches out for Biff's helpful hand, and Biff comes out of his Percocet-induced coma long enough to answer, albeit somewhat incoherently...

Dear Biff

I've rekindled a relationship with a boyfriend who is fun, kind, gentle, generous, and very loving. I can see spending my life with him, except for one thing: he's not well-endowed; he's not got enough junk to fill my trunk; his burger is on the dollar menu; he's up my creek without a paddle, if you get my drift.

I knew this before we got back together, but thought I could get over this hump, so to speak. I don't need John Holmes, but I would like someone who can push the envelope a bit.

I realize sex is not the most important thing in life, but sometimes I want someone who can fill my needs, nudge, nudge; wink wink; knowhatimean?

I'd like to get past this issue, but it's just such a little stickler.

Valley of the Doll-Sized Penis

Dear Val,

I, ummmm, I think, ahhhhhh, well, ummmmmmm ...

I'm sorry, I'm just not sure what you mean when you say "sex is not the most important thing in life."

But, let's dismiss that point for a moment.

First, let's try to find out if the problem is actually HIS ...

Do guys ever tie a 2x4 across their ass before making love to you? Anybody ever lose their keys in there? Any dates every mysteriously disappear while going down on you?

If you've answered no to at least one of these questions, we will assume your high school nickname wasn't "Canyon C*nt."

So, how do you deal with a man who comes up short?

Think about all the guys you've dated who had big dicks. What's the one thing they all had in common?

They were assholes, weren't they? You know why? Because they can be. You don't have to be nice when you've got great big amounts in the place where it counts. Scientific studies have shown the assholeishness in men is directly related to the size of their penis.

Want proof? Just look at me. Have you ever seen a bigger asshole?

I thought not.

So, maybe we were made for each other, baby ...

But, if you want a guy who is "fun, kind, gentle, generous, and very loving," you gotta be prepared to settle for living in a walk-up flat instead of a skyscraper penthouse.

And, there is always Vaginal Rejuvenation Surgery (think I'm kidding? Google it, fuckers!) to help you regain that tight 16-year-old cheerleader feeling.

I hope this helps.

Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Are you looking for a freeloader to provide free room and board to without him providing sex in return? Write to Unless you are not looking for sex in return ... Visit Red Flag Publishing and BUY MY BOOKS!!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

There's a sucker born every minute - but his wife ain't one ...

Dear Readers: Sorry I've been away, but my sense of the passage of time has become a bit distorted since I started gobbling percocet like they were peanut M&Ms ... for some reason the letters have dried up momentarily - I can't imagine why, considering my incredible ability to provide relationship adivce, but, here's one I borrowed, and improved much on the original advice:

Dear Biff,

My wife and I married about three months ago and had dated for almost three and a half years before getting married. We both believe sex is for marriage only and abstained during our relationship. She is a virgin. I am not (I made my abstinence decision later in life).

It was hard to keep my hands to myself while we dated, but I could do it partly because I knew marriage was on the horizon. Here's the problem: We have still never had sex.

For the first weeks of marriage, we did many things but not that. Since then, there've been scattered moments of intimacy with her that usually end with her getting frustrated that she isn't as experienced in this area as I am, despite my best attempts to tell her how wonderful she is. The last such attempt was a few weeks ago. She says that she does not want to have sex no matter what I say.

We did discuss this before marriage and I was under the impression that it would happen. In fact, she even thought it would happen during the honeymoon. Every time we tried, she freaked out and started to cry. I don't know what to do. She refuses to see a counselor or a therapist.

I'm almost to the point where I don't even want to try to initiate anymore because I get so frustrated that nothing happens. I love her with all of my heart. I want to be able to share the kind of intimacy with her that sex brings and I don't know what to do. I find myself getting angry and bitter any time I see anything on TV or anywhere about a couple having sex.

--Frustrated Husband

Dear Frustrated:

Have you ever heard the old story about free milk and a cow? Sounds like you bought a bum steer.

They used to have a name for guys like you.

It was "SUCKER."

But, on the brighter side, I've just started a new restaurant you might like. It's a steak house where you can pick out the exact cut of meat you want, watch the chef cook it over our wood-fired grill, the waitress brings it out with a beautiful presentation, and holds it under your nose so you can smell aroma of the perfectly grilled beef. Then, when you begin salivating so much you are afraid you may begin to drool, she takes it away and brings you a bill for $137.64.

Seriously, what the hell are you still doing there? We all know that the only thing women bring to the table in a relationship is sex, so if you ain't gettin' any of that, you might as well be offering your freeloading cousin Darryl free room and board instead of your wife (Unless, of course, she has a sizable trust fund, but I've dealt with that subject before).

Boot her ass to the curb and consider this a lesson learned: DON'T, under any circumstances, keep your hands off the next one while dating. Get whatever you can while she's still trying to sink the hook into you, because once you put that ring on her finger, all bets are off, and the well's gonna dry up mighty fast.

There's another old joke out there you may have heard:

Q: How do you get your girlfriend to stop giving blowjobs?

A: Marry her.

Hey, the reason we find things humorous is that we can identify with them. That joke wouldn't have lasted this long if there weren't a kernel of truth in it.

Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Are you looking for a freeloader to provide free room and board without expecting sex in return? Write to And visit Red Flag Publishing

How can I tell if my roomate likes me?

Dear Readers: My how time flies when you are taking high doses of barbituarates. The good news is that, so far, my body hasn't rejected the donor tissue. The even better news is that the plastic surgeon took me at my word that the original length was 13 and one-half inches. Although, it appears they used tissue from several donors of varying ethnicity to achieve that length, and my pole now looks like it belongs in front of a barber shop ... but I digress: Another letter from a reader:

Dear Biff:

I recently began having these attractions to my
roomate Preston. I've never been attracted to another
man before, but lately when I see him with his shirt
off or lounging around in his boxer shorts, I get a
severe chubby and I have to run and hide.

Preston has lots of "girlfriends" who come over
often and I am forced to listen to them making out and
"doing it" because my bedroom is right next to his.

The other day, I installed a hidden camera in his
room, aimed at his bed so that I can watch him. I did
the same thing in the bathroom so I could see him in
the shower.

But, I've found that just watching isn't enough.

I want to go and kiss him and tell him about my
feelings, but I'm afraid of being rejected, and losing
my friend and apartment.

What should I do?

Chubby's gonna burst!!!

Dear Chub:

There's only one way to determine if Preston plays on both teams.

I learned this little trick way back in church camp. When he goes to sleep tonight, first warm up a hot dog to body temperature (I like to use Ball Park Franks, but that's just a personal preference).

Next stand in front of your sleeping roommate and drop your pants to your ankles.

Then, press the hot dog ever so gently between his somnolent lips and into his delicate mouth, but not so far as to choke him. Soft and gentle is the technique to remember here, as you don't want him to awaken quite yet.

As your sleeping amicus de amor begins to stir, you should begin thrusting the hot dog more vigorously, whilst making grunting sounds of love.

When your actions finally reach a point as to bring Preston back to consciousness, quickly discard the hot dog, and make a very theatrical effort at pulling up your pants.

One of two things will happen: Preston will ask you to return the favor, or he will beat the livin' shit out of you.

Either way, you will know the answer to your heart's question.

Good luck,


p.s. Please tell me you have a video recorder attached to those spy cameras, and that you will make the tapes available on the internet!

Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Do you really, really like hot dogs? Write to And visit Red Flag Publishing

Is it Hot in Here?

Sweaty McPitts Wants a Man
Originally uploaded by biffhumble69.
Dear Readers: I apologize for my absence, but I caught a little bug at a bar in Bangkok that required some really heavy-duty antibiotics and some reconstructive surgery (they got spirochetes over there that will make the tip of your appendage rot and fall off!). But, I'm back, with a letter from a reader:

Dear Biff:

I am 17 years old and have never had a real
boyfriend or even been kissed. People make fun of me
because I'm weird. I am not rich and can't afford to
dress in style. Most of my clothes come from Kmart or

I have pimples everywhere and suffer from severe
Hyperhydrosis, which means I sweat a lot. My face is
always wet and my forehead is always dripping and I
smell terrible all the time.

No one wants to be my friend because they think I'm
gross. I've been called Sweaty McPitts, Sweatzilla and
Pricess Smellsalot. I can't change schools and my
parents wont let me drop out.

Ugh!!! I hate myself! What should I do? I want to
be normal and have a boyfriend like all the other
girls my age. I want to get laid too damnit! What
advice can you offer a poor swetty girl such as myself?

Dear Sweaty McPitts:

First, realize that everyone hates themselves. It's part of the human condition.

Second, realize that there is a special support group for everyone that hates themselves. It meets every day at 5 p.m. in a place called a "bar."

Third, realize that there is medicine available to deal with all of your physical shortcomings that is easily available without a prescription. It's called "alcohol." They serve it in bars, and it has a progressive effect that will amaze you with how beautiful it can make a girl such as yourself (or a 48-year-old toothless Thai hooker) by about 2 a.m.

Your best bet is to wait until close to last call, when all of the really hot chicks (and most of the pretty plain ones) have already left with the Man du Jour, so there will be little to compare you with. Then, stake out a spot at the bar near the ugliest girl you can find, and begin trying to make eye contact with drunk guys.

If my theory holds true (that any woman can go into a bar and leave with a guy any night), you will get lucky.

Just bathe in perfume before hand, and let him get on top, so you don't drip sweat all over him (or do it in a hot tub).

Just be sure to leave before he wakes up semi-sober, so he will continue to think you were as beautiful as he thought you were when he was blotto. Trust me, there were a few times I considered chewing my own arm off to get away from a woman who looked dramatically different at 8 a.m. than she did at 2 a.m. the night before.

You can even do what most women do, and post a picture of a really hot chick that bears little resemblance to you on your Yahoo singles profile, and then IM him about what a great time you had, and offer to meet him again at 2 a.m. the next weekend.

Good luck!

Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Write to And visit Red Flag Publishing

Girlfriends, Carrots, and German Literature

Girlfriend's a Head Case
Originally uploaded by biffhumble69.
Another letter from a reader!

Dear Biff,

My girlfriend is a head case. What should I do?


Dear Wondering,

Whose isn't?

Get used to it.

As long as she isn't physically or emotionally abusive, or fond of sticking a carrot up your ass while you read "Mein Kampf" aloud, just enjoy the ride.

Well, the carrot thing is a personal taste, so you may not mind, but it was a deal-breaker for me.

Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Write to And visit Red Flag Publishing

Two exes and an "Oh!"

Biffettes inTraining
Originally uploaded by biffhumble69.
Boy, they've been coming out of the woodwork recently.

Dear Biff,

I am a 16-year-old girl in love with a 43-year-old man. This isn't the problem; I love him and he loves me, and he's never abused or coerced me into anything. We haven't had sex, even though I wanted to; he wants to make sure that I'm not doing anything I don't really want to. What is the legal status of my relationship? I'm in New Jersey, so what is the age of consent? I am tired of keeping our relationship a secret, but I will if revealing it would get him in trouble. That leads to the other part of my question—if I have to keep it hidden, how do I respond when people ask if I'm involved? I don't want people to think he's a predator, because he isn't.

—Not a Victim

Dear Vickie:

Ixnay on the ovelay alktay. I told you, Biff only dates women who can keep him in the style to which he is accustomed, and your trust fund doesn't mature any faster than you do. (But, call me when you get the first check, O.K. babe?)

Dear Biff,

I've been divorced for 18 months and have recently become involved with a wonderful man. He's everything I seek in a mate: kind, upstanding, handsome, romantic, witty, and funny. On top of it all, he's independently wealthy and quite generous, a keeper in every sense of the word. Here's the problem. Recently, I have found myself wondering what was so bad about my ex-husband in the first place. I am uniquely poised to rekindle an old flame. Should I share my feelings or let the moment pass?


Dear Bea:

I told you, Biff only dates women who can keep him in the style to which he is accustomed, and your inheritance ran dry years ago. When you get close enough to this guy to get access to his bank account, give me a call, and we'll do lunch (you're buying, right?)

Dear Biff:

Fifteen years ago, my high school sweetheart and I broke up. He left town and joined the military. A year or so later, I was at his best friend's house (we were both drunk and drugged up, though that's no excuse), and his best friend and I slept together one time. It wasn't good and we never spoke of it. I went off to college and never saw either of them until 10 years later. My sweetheart and I found each other again, and we married. A few months into our new relationship, I realized that not only does my husband not know about me and his (still) best friend, he would be absolutely furious if he found out.

Do I tell my husband? My problem is that I still feel it is dishonest to hide it from him. But how can I destroy a long-term friendship and hurt my husband to make myself feel better? I think about it every single day and feel guilty and anxious.

—Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Dear Roxie:

Don't tell him, the last thing I need is another angry husband after me. Wait a minute, at the time you said it WAS good. And, if it wasn't, why have you kept coming back for more? Are we still on for Thursday? You're buying dinner, right?

Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Write to And visit Red Flag Publishing

Biff and Darla Join Forces

Dear Readers:

Darla and I decided to team up on some couple-oriented issues, originally dealt with much less directly in a national women's magazine. And, once again, Darla proves that she's not only damn beautiful and great in bed, but smart as hell, too!

Doggie Duty

Dear Biff and Darla:

I want a dog but my wife is against it. I told her that I'll be responsible for walking and feeding him, but she just laughs and says that she knows she'll end up doing the dirty work. I'm not a 6-year-old -- why do I need her permission anyway?

Biff says: Are you a man, or a pussy? What the hell did you ask her for? Remember, the first rule of marriage is, "It's always easier to ask for forgiveness than permission." Go get your damn dog, and tell her if she doesn't like it, she can take a hike. If she does, consider yourself lucky. The dog will be more loyal to you than she ever was; he will be glad to see you EVERY DAY when you get home from work; he won't be disgusted when you take a stinky bean-burrito-Dos-Equis-and-tequila shit; he won't lecture you for leaving your underwear on the bedroom floor; you will never have to worry about what he really meant, instead of what he said; and he won't even be jealous when you bring home skanky strippers, or tell you "I told you so," when you get the Clap.

Darla says: So, you think women are high maintenance? Try owning a dog. They are all pooping, peeing, puking bark machines, most of whom have no shame where or when they perform their dastardly deeds. Sorry buddy, but unless you plan to become VERY FRIENDLY with your new pet, I wouldn't recommend pissing off the wife. Better to be a pussy, than to have to beg for it, and believe me, you will be begging. Dogs live a LONG time. However, if you do grow some balls and get a dog, get used to operating a carpet cleaner, scooping lots of shit, and walking your new lover, uh, I mean best friend, in all kinds of nasty weather, while your wife looks on, laughing her ass off....

The New Wisteria Lane

Dear Biff and Darla:

My husband keeps buying me sexy, skimpy outfits. I'm in good shape but I'm too old to be prancing around suburban parties in micro-minis and too-tight tops. I told him if he wanted a hooker, he shouldn't have married a lady!

Biff says: Honey, somewhere along the line, you missed the whole Madonna/Whore lesson. Your husband does want a hooker, and if you don't provide him with one, he'll find one on his own. Shut up, dress up, and have some fucking fun for once in your lady-like prissy-ass life, for Christ's sake.

Darla says: I suggest turning the tables on this selfish dickhead. It's time to invest in some serious leather: a bustier, boots (the pointier the toe, the better); oh, and don't forget the whip, leash, and handcuffs. He wants a whore? Go him one better, tell him you want him to be your sex slave! He'll either be scared shitless, or better yet, get you both off big time. Either way, you're in control, and isn't that the way it should be?

Biff says: Leather bustier, pointy boots, and a whip? Ummmm ... say, Darla, are you busy this weekend?

Safety Crash Course

Dear Biff and Darla:

My son wants to get a motorcycle for his high school graduation, and my husband thinks it's a great idea. I'm violently opposed. They're high-fiving each other, and I'm furious. What should I do?

Biff says: Buy your husband a motorcycle, too, and a big life insurance policy.

Darla says: At what point in your marriage did you begin to allow your husband to make decisions? That is NEVER a good idea. Ultimately, you hold the trump card. It's located between your legs...

Biff says: Damn your irrefutable logic, woman!!! Want to play cards later?

Need advice on your relationship? Write to And visit Red Flag Publishing

Two Little Bitches

Here's a couple borrowed from "Dear Abby," but, of course, my advice is more spot-on:

Dear Biff,

My mother says I'm tearing our family apart. On Mother's Day, my eight-year-old daughter teased her nine-year-old cousin, asking, "who'd like my last bite of dessert?" When he said he wanted it, she said, "Just kidding!" My nephew went running into the house wailing like he'd been hit.

I was in the middle of telling my daughter what she did was wrong, and she should apologize, when I heard my brother, "Harry," ask my nephew why he was crying. When he heard the reason, Harry said, "Well, she's a little bitch!" I was horrified. My daughter and sister-in-law heard it, too.

When I went inside to talk to Harry, he told me he didn't mean it that way, and that he could say anything in his house that he wanted to. My daughter and I left, and I haven't talked to him since.

He has apologized to my daughter with numerous justifications for what he said, but he hasn't apologized to me for what he called my daughter and the way he talked to me. We have had two family birthdays since then (including another at Harry's home) and my daughter and I haven't attended either one.

My mother is taking Harry's side, saying I'm too sensitive and the word isn't that bad. Am I wrong to think that calling and eight-year-old a "bitch" is horrible, degrading, and uncalled for?

-Harry's Sister

Dear Hairy Ass:

So, let me see if I can sum this up: your daughter, at age eight, is already manipulative and mean-spirited, and causes other people pain for her own enjoyment. Your brother called her on it, but then apologized, but you refuse to forgive him, and are making the entire family pay for his honesty?

Sounds like he called the wrong person "bitch."

Dear Biff:

My brother is ticked off at me because I sing songs all the time. I sing a few lines, and he yells, "Stop!" Each time I make a little noise, he also demands that I stop. It seems like everything I do he tries to stop me from doing.

My parents try hard to get him to stop yelling at me, but he won't. I'm getting really frustrated. How can I solve this problem? (By the way, I'm seven.)

- Frustrated in Berkley

Dear Child of Limp-wristed Liberals:

I'm guessing that you are probably the most obnoxious sister there is, constantly singing and making noise and bothering your brother for no reason. Have you tried just shutting the Hell up? That might work.

If not, just hit your brother. I've found that violence solves almost all problems. Alcohol solves the rest, but you should wait until you are at least 10 before trying that solution.

Need advice on your relationship? Write to And visit Red Flag Publishing

Don't end up like Lefty

My first letter from a reader!

Dear Biff:

I am a generally promiscous male who usually hooks it up with very attractive women pretty much whenever I want to. However, I have known a woman now for three years that I am incrediby infatuated with. Not only is she supermodel hot, but has to be one of the most intriguing people that I have ever met.

Things seemed to be going in a positive direction for us recently, but I fucked it all up by pushing the sex issue. Please understand, I usually fuck on the first or second date, and not having sex with her for three years now seems unnatural. I just want to make it feel "more natural." Ok... honestly, I am really spoiled and was being a brat about the sex issue. Still, I don't think I did anything wrong.

Her, just being forced from a marriage in shambles, is allegedly "not ready" to make big steps, like sex. Knowing women like I do though, I believe that she is full of shit, as I specialize in sleeping with women who are still emotionally ambigious and "not ready for sex." Woman have a mercenary-like ability to get over their emotions in under one second, usually to hook up with guys like me. Still, she's not falling for it.

I don't know if I am ready to get over this, so... how do I get past this? The usual approach (sex with random women) doesn't seem to be working, but still... I don't mind trying that approach again and again if necessary. She keeps dangling the promise of promise in front of me... how do I stop falling for it? I have never felt so out of control of my emotions! Ok... honestly, there are actually emotions and not just hormones this time. Arghh... emotions damn them!

Help me, Biff!

Your super-fan,

The Devil's Left Testicle

Dear Lefty:

Hmmm ... I see two problems with this relationship.

1. You carried on a relationship with a woman for three years without consummating it; and

2. You became infatuated with her.

You didn't fuck this up by pushing the sex issue now; you fucked it up by not pushing the sex issue three years ago. By not doing that, you placed yourself in the role of "emotionally supportive male friend," of which every woman wants at least one.

The problem with this role is, after spending endless hours crying on your shoulder about all the emotionally abusive asshole men in their lives, women then go out and find an emotionally abusive asshole man to fuck their brains out.

Women, especially "supermodel hot" women, are used to guys lavishing them with attention. They begin to develop this deluded self-concept that guys are nice to them because they enjoy their company. They actually come to believe that men are willing to spend money just to be with them, because they are such thrilling companions and skilled conversationalists.

The fact that they don't realize that the only thing any of these men wants with them is to insert his penis in their vagina shows how far from reality these women's minds exist.

As someone who "specializes in sleeping with women who are still emotionally ambigious and 'not ready for sex,'" you know as well as I what you did wrong. You cared about her as a person. You became infatuated with her.

The paradox here is that "supermodel hot" women are only capable of caring about men who don't care about them (although one could convincingly argue that they really are incapable of caring about anyone other than themselves, as I did in my other blog ).

The only way you were going to get your penis anywhere near one of this woman's orifices would have been to treat her like she didn't matter. To a woman who is used to being treated like she is the only thing that matters, this is the most powerful aphrodisiac there is. If you had treated her like she wasn't worthy of you, she would have pulled out all the stops in order to prove that she was, in fact, worthy of you. This would have resulted in a virtually unlimited supply of mind-blowing blowjobs, had you played your cards right.

Instead you fucked it all up.

At this point, I see no chance of you ever getting with this woman, so the task left to you is to get over her. I have a lot of experience in this area, but since I have found the only beautiful woman in the world who doesn't act like a normal beautiful woman, and I'm not letting her out of my sight, that option is not open to you.

So, my advice to you is:

1. Increase your alcohol intake. The dosage schedule needs to be carefully worked out so as to get the emotional part of your brain completely blotto, but not eliminate the "lower" functions, if you get my drift. This will allow you to successfully institute step 2:

2. Have sex with as many random women as is humanly possible during the next six to nine months, in as many positions and locations as possible.

Whatever you do, follow the advice of the most effective corporate CEOs: always schedule meetings in the other person's office, that way you can decide when to leave. Or, even better, if she's drunk enough, go for the bar bathroom, as you can knock one off, and then move onto the next target without the wasted time of driving to her place, and having that awkward conversation in which you pretend that you will call her later.

I'm not guaranteeing that this will help you get over her, but unlike money, which cannot buy happiness, a lot of booze and pussy can. Or at least they will make you not give a shit.

Need advice on your relationship? Write to And visit Red Flag Publishing

She Loves Her Pussy More Than Me!

Borrowed from "Dear Prudence":

Dear Biff:

I can't believe I'm actually in this ridiculous situation. I am in my late 30s, dating a wonderful woman the same age. We've known each other for seven years, been best friends for five, and have dated for two of those.

Why the wait? My girlfriend is a widow. She married her high-school sweetheart when she was 21 and he died in an accident less than a year later. Understandably, she has been hesitant to move forward with any commitment to another guy.

I decided a long time ago that I wanted to marry this awesome woman, but I have been sensitive to her need to move slowly. I have tried to show her that I respect her love for her deceased husband and her slight sense of guilt in "moving on."

When I finally thought the time was right, I asked her to marry me. She said that she wasn't quite ready and she wanted to hold off on marriage plans until her cat died. (Strange as it sounds, I felt it was a reasonable request since she and her husband got this cat together when they were married.)

This cat, Pumpkin, was 16 when we made the agreement and seemed to be on his last legs. That was almost three years ago. I hate to pressure my girlfriend to break our agreement, but this cat is a freak of nature that is ruining my chance at happiness! What to do?
—Non-Cat Lover

Dear Non:

You call that a "slight sense of guilt in moving on"?

It's time for you to move on and find a woman who's not so hung up about her pussy.

Borrowed from "Dear Diane":

Dear Biff:

"Brenda" and I dated for five years before we both knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. I proposed to her three months ago.

Ever since then, the kind, thoughtful woman I fell in love with has become an insufferable witch (I think you know the word I really mean to say). She is constantly shrieking at people involved with planning the wedding, and it's gotten to the point where I can't stand to be around her.

Brenda's wedding plans are totally unrealistic. For one, she wants the ceremony to be held on a beach in Jamaica at sunset. The problem is that many of the more than 100 guests she's inviting can't afford to make the trip. Many of her relatives are retired and on a fixed income.

I won't get into some of the other more insane details of this fiasco. Needless to say the whole she-bang will cost us almost $100,000.

We don't have that kind of money. Brenda says I should take out a loan. I told her if I am going into hock for 100 Large, it's going to be for a new home, not a one-day event to appease her inflated sense of entitlement and vanity.

Is this sort of behavior normal with brides-to-be?


Dear Shocked:

Yes, but the term "brides-to-be" is too specific. The phrase "inflated sense of entitlement and vanity" is actually interchangeable with the word "woman."

You have three choices: Get used to it; begin frequenting the nearest freeway rest area bathroom at midnight; or join the priesthood.

And, we are all friends here, so you don't have to worry about etiquette. I assume when you say, "has become an insufferable witch," you actually mean, "finally showed what a crazy fucking bitch she was all along, but was able to hide until she set the hook."

Need help with your relationship? Just ask Biff at

For more of Biff's take on relationships, check out the web comic Beauty:Bullshit, The Red Flag Ratio at Red Flag Publishing's web site.

You've Come a Long Way, Baby

Stole this one from Dear Abby, but my advice is much better than hers.

Dear Biff:

Over the past three years, my best friend of 15 years, "Hazel," has engaged in some disturbing Internet dating behavior. Several months ago, she answered a classified ad on the Internet in which a man was looking for women who enjoy "domestic discipline" (in other words, spanking). Not only did Hazel meet this man, but she married him after knowing him for only three weeks!

When I met him, every alarm God ever game a woman went off at once. He was very aggressive and after only 10 minutes, began making inappropriate comments in front of me about spanking Hazel.
Hazel keeps pressing us to "get to know him," but every time I think about it I feel ill. My husband and I are conservative people. We would never associate with someone we knew openly practiced deviant behavior.

I am worried about my friend, and afraid he will abuse her. Can this relationship be salvaged?

Dear Shocked:

You mentioned that you and your husband are conservative, but you neglected to mention that you are also judgmental: "We would never associate with someone we knew openly practiced deviant behavior" indeed. Who the hell appointed you chief of the morality police?

If you think spanking is deviant, I've got some magazines under my bed that will make your hair curl.

I've got news for you: Your friend "Hazel" likes to get spanked, and she found somebody who is more than willing to do it. Sounds like a match made in heaven, to me.

And, her name isn't Hazel, it's Cindy. And she likes a lot more than just being spanked, let me tell you from experience - just take a look at her Internet profile - I keep her number on speed dial.

Can the relationship be salvaged? Only if you are willing to try it with your husband in some way other than the missionary position!!!

Oh, wait, you meant your relationship with Hazel?

No. Hazel likes to get her ass reddened before doing the giggity-giggity-goo with her new husband, and the thought of two consenting adults enjoying mutual interests in the privacy of their own home disgusts you.

I would suggest you join the 700 Club so you can find some other people with which to spend your social time who are as hung-up about sex as you.

Need help with your relationship? Just ask Biff at

For more of Biff's take on relationships, check out the web comic Beauty:Bullshit, The Red Flag Ratio at Red Flag Publishing's web site.

A Bad Day for Guys in Biff's World

Originally uploaded by biffhumble69.
Today is a two-for-one special, again from an actual advice column:

Dear Biff:

Hypothetical situation: Let's say "Marcy" and "Dave" are a couple. Marcy loves Dave and thinks Dave loves her back, but unbeknownst to her, Dave doesn't and wants to break up. While he's trying to figure out how to tell her, Marcy's life hits some really hard times.
the question: Is it kinder for Dave to see her through the hard times, and break up with her after she's O.K. again? Or is it better to be honest and dump her now, while she's still dealing with her other problems.

Hypothetically, you sound like a real asshole, masquerading as a nice guy. When you say, "while he's trying to figure out how to tell her," I assume you mean, "while he's trying to find another piece of ass before he tells her." Now look at the mess your penis has gotten you into.

Dump her and get it over with, so she can find someone who deserves her, unlike you, you selfish bastard.

Dear Biff:

I'm a 26-year-old college student with a child from a relationship which ended three years ago. For the past two years, I have enjoyed a dream relationship that includes perfect chemistry and mutual respect and love. Unfortunately, my Dream Man has told me he doesn't see himself in the role of stepfather, so I am working up the courage to end it. Am I doomed to singlehood because I'm a mom? Do I have to seriously lower my standards if I want to get married? Am I nuts to end a relationship full of fun, great sex, and companionship?
- Saying Good-bye

Dear Good-bye:

What the hell is wrong with you? In case you didn't notice, you are a parent. That is your real life. You spent two years in a relationship with a guy who doesn't want to be a part of your real life? Hello? In what world does that relationship include "mutual respect and love"?

This loser is as bad as the selfish bastard in the last letter, only (to give him credit) more honest. Boot him to the curb fast, and start looking for a real man for whom "mutual love and respect" includes all of you - this includes the kid for which you are responsible during the coming 18 years.

And grow fucking up while you are at it, yourself. You are not a college student, you are a mother. Don't let the fact you attend college fool you. You no longer have anything in common with the society of sorority sluts with which you rub shoulders every day.

Need help with your relationship? Just ask Biff at

For more of Biff's take on relationships, check out the web comic Beauty:Bullshit, The Red Flag Ratio at Red Flag Publishing's web site.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Am I Turning My Son Queer?

Father was a Poofter
Originally uploaded by
Here's more of my invaluable advice on relationships:

Dear Biff: I have the most wonderful husband in the world. He cooks, he does housework, he does the dishes. From talking with my girlfriends, I don't think there is another man out there like him (certainly none of their husbands are so thoughtful and considerate).

The problem is with our son, who is a toddler. I have been reading all of Dr. James Dobson's books, and he clearly says that a boy must have a strong male role model in the home, or he risks turning gay.

I love my husband dearly, and certainly don't want to get off my lazy ass and do the housework*, but I also don't want my son to turn queer.

What should I do?

Signed - Worried Sick

Dear Sick: Dr. Dobson is absolutely right! If you don't start doing all the housework, cooking, and washing dishes immediately, you - and you alone - will be responsible when, a few years down the road, you walk in on your son as he's trying on your panties.

If you don't take the mop out of your husband's hand, your son will watch his dad manipulate what is obviously a phallic symbol, and either grow up to be Liberace's house-boy, or a chronic masturbator.

And, to further ensure you reverse any damage already done to your son's testicles, you should force your husband to sit in a recliner all day every Sunday while you wait on him hand and foot, bringing him beer and chips, and a bedpan when needed.

I know this sounds like a lot of work, but look closely at the alternative: if you don't make a radical change right now, in about 16 years your son will come home from school with his makeup all smeared, and tell you he now knows what Shania meant when she sang, "Man, I feel like a woman!"

*O.K., I admit to fabricating this line, but seriously, this letter was in a famous advice column recently. I swear!

Need help with your relationship? Just ask Biff at

For more of Biff's take on relationships, check out the web comic
Beauty:Bullshit, The Red Flag Ratio at Red Flag Publishing's web site.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Is My Husband a Switch Hitter?

Originally uploaded by biffhumble69.

Dear Biff: My husband's a college professor, and the dean recently asked each faculty member to post a picture on their personal web site that is either of themselves, or represents them or their field of study. My husband chose Michelangelo's David, which has nothing to do with the classes he teaches. I'm worried that this is his subconscious way of admitting that he is bisexual. I can see no other reason why a heterosexual man would choose this image to represent himself. Should I be worried?

Dear Worried: You homophobic prude! Why can't you imagine any reason your husband would choose this image, other than that he might like to catch as well as pitch; that he might be a pole smoker; that he might like to golf the 19th hole; or that he might be fond of prison love? Because you are a closed-minded, mind-controlled, religous-righter who thinks the human body is something to be embarrassed about, methinks.

Oh, and by the way, your husband isn't bisexual, he's as queer as a summer day is long.

I hope this helps you.

Need advice on your love life? Write Biff at

For more of Biff's take on relationships, check out the web comic Beauty:Bullshit, The Red Flag Ratio at Red Flag Publishing's web site.