How can I tell if my roomate likes me?

Betcha think of this entry next time you see some guy wolfing down a corndog at the fair ...
Originally uploaded by biffhumble69.

Dear Readers: My how time flies when you are taking high doses of barbituarates. The good news is that, so far, my body hasn't rejected the donor tissue. The even better news is that the plastic surgeon took me at my word that the original length was 13 and one-half inches. Although, it appears they used tissue from several donors of varying ethnicity to achieve that length, and my pole now looks like it belongs in front of a barber shop ... but I digress: Another letter from a reader:

Dear Biff:

I recently began having these attractions to my
roomate Preston. I've never been attracted to another
man before, but lately when I see him with his shirt
off or lounging around in his boxer shorts, I get a
severe chubby and I have to run and hide.

Preston has lots of "girlfriends" who come over
often and I am forced to listen to them making out and
"doing it" because my bedroom is right next to his.

The other day, I installed a hidden camera in his
room, aimed at his bed so that I can watch him. I did
the same thing in the bathroom so I could see him in
the shower.

But, I've found that just watching isn't enough.

I want to go and kiss him and tell him about my
feelings, but I'm afraid of being rejected, and losing
my friend and apartment.

What should I do?

Chubby's gonna burst!!!

Dear Chub:

There's only one way to determine if Preston plays on both teams.

I learned this little trick way back in church camp. When he goes to sleep tonight, first warm up a hot dog to body temperature (I like to use Ball Park Franks, but that's just a personal preference).

Next stand in front of your sleeping roommate and drop your pants to your ankles.

Then, press the hot dog ever so gently between his somnolent lips and into his delicate mouth, but not so far as to choke him. Soft and gentle is the technique to remember here, as you don't want him to awaken quite yet.

As your sleeping amicus de amor begins to stir, you should begin thrusting the hot dog more vigorously, whilst making grunting sounds of love.

When your actions finally reach a point as to bring Preston back to consciousness, quickly discard the hot dog, and make a very theatrical effort at pulling up your pants.

One of two things will happen: Preston will ask you to return the favor, or he will beat the livin' shit out of you.

Either way, you will know the answer to your heart's question.

Good luck,

Biff

p.s. Please tell me you have a video recorder attached to those spy cameras, and that you will make the tapes available on the internet!

Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Do you really, really like hot dogs? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit Red Flag Publishing