Thursday, January 25, 2007

Biff is missing!

There's trouble in Rivertown!

Dear readers,

Red Flag Publishing needs your help! We can't find our publisher, Biff Humble.

Now, we have grown used to Biff's tendency to disappear for a week or two at a time, but he's been gone for more than three weeks. Plus, he disappeared under somewhat mysterious circumstances (even by Biff's rather peculiar standards).

He was last seen by Darla celebrating New Year's Eve at L'Ambassade in the Patong suburb of Phuket, Thailand. She has told us that when she met him there, he was drinking tequila shots - and apparently had been for quite some time - with a famous photojournalist friend (whom has asked we not mention his name) that he had worked with in Central America in the '80s.

Darla tells us she struck up a conversation with Biff's friend, and, at some point, they decided to go to dinner together. They left Biff with instructions to meet them back at the bar before midnight to ring in the New Year.

Darla reports that she and the photojournalist returned to the bar about 11 p.m., but Biff was nowhere to be found. In asking around the bar, they found a waitress who remembered seeing Biff talking with another man whom the waitress described as "fat and ugly, but with a good voice" who was accompanied by two young Asian women in British schoolgirl outfits. The waitress said she saw them leaving the bar together.

Darla knows Biff as well (probably better) than we do, so she didn't worry about pursuing the matter. After all, with Biff, some things are better left alone. She continued to celebrate the evening with the photojournalist, figuring they would hook up with Biff in the morning.

But, the next morning, Biff did not answer his hotel room door when Darla knocked. When she finally convinced the hotel manager to open the door, they realized there was a problem. She reports that the room contained nothing but the discarded schoolgirl outfits, a couple empty pill vials, and a broken 35mm camera. All of Biff's belongings were gone.

Darla and Biff's friend set off to search every bar, back room, and bordello between Phuket and Bankok, but found no trace of Biff. Several ladies remembered seeing Biff, but no one had a clue where he might have gone.

So, we are asking our readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth.

If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.

Please, we need your help. The bills are piling up, and he's the only one who knows the password to the Cayman Islands bank account.

James Hitchcock
Editorial Director
Red Flag Publishing