Tuesday, November 14, 2006

There's a sucker born every minute - but his wife ain't one ...

Dear Readers: Sorry I've been away, but my sense of the passage of time has become a bit distorted since I started gobbling percocet like they were peanut M&Ms ... for some reason the letters have dried up momentarily - I can't imagine why, considering my incredible ability to provide relationship adivce, but, here's one I borrowed, and improved much on the original advice:

Dear Biff,

My wife and I married about three months ago and had dated for almost three and a half years before getting married. We both believe sex is for marriage only and abstained during our relationship. She is a virgin. I am not (I made my abstinence decision later in life).

It was hard to keep my hands to myself while we dated, but I could do it partly because I knew marriage was on the horizon. Here's the problem: We have still never had sex.

For the first weeks of marriage, we did many things but not that. Since then, there've been scattered moments of intimacy with her that usually end with her getting frustrated that she isn't as experienced in this area as I am, despite my best attempts to tell her how wonderful she is. The last such attempt was a few weeks ago. She says that she does not want to have sex no matter what I say.

We did discuss this before marriage and I was under the impression that it would happen. In fact, she even thought it would happen during the honeymoon. Every time we tried, she freaked out and started to cry. I don't know what to do. She refuses to see a counselor or a therapist.

I'm almost to the point where I don't even want to try to initiate anymore because I get so frustrated that nothing happens. I love her with all of my heart. I want to be able to share the kind of intimacy with her that sex brings and I don't know what to do. I find myself getting angry and bitter any time I see anything on TV or anywhere about a couple having sex.

--Frustrated Husband

Dear Frustrated:

Have you ever heard the old story about free milk and a cow? Sounds like you bought a bum steer.

They used to have a name for guys like you.

It was "SUCKER."

But, on the brighter side, I've just started a new restaurant you might like. It's a steak house where you can pick out the exact cut of meat you want, watch the chef cook it over our wood-fired grill, the waitress brings it out with a beautiful presentation, and holds it under your nose so you can smell aroma of the perfectly grilled beef. Then, when you begin salivating so much you are afraid you may begin to drool, she takes it away and brings you a bill for $137.64.

Seriously, what the hell are you still doing there? We all know that the only thing women bring to the table in a relationship is sex, so if you ain't gettin' any of that, you might as well be offering your freeloading cousin Darryl free room and board instead of your wife (Unless, of course, she has a sizable trust fund, but I've dealt with that subject before).

Boot her ass to the curb and consider this a lesson learned: DON'T, under any circumstances, keep your hands off the next one while dating. Get whatever you can while she's still trying to sink the hook into you, because once you put that ring on her finger, all bets are off, and the well's gonna dry up mighty fast.

There's another old joke out there you may have heard:

Q: How do you get your girlfriend to stop giving blowjobs?

A: Marry her.

Hey, the reason we find things humorous is that we can identify with them. That joke wouldn't have lasted this long if there weren't a kernel of truth in it.

Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Are you looking for a freeloader to provide free room and board without expecting sex in return? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit Red Flag Publishing

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