She Loves Her Pussy More Than Me!

If true, I've killed more cats than Animal Control
Originally uploaded by biffhumble69.

Borrowed from "Dear Prudence":

Dear Biff:

I can't believe I'm actually in this ridiculous situation. I am in my late 30s, dating a wonderful woman the same age. We've known each other for seven years, been best friends for five, and have dated for two of those.

Why the wait? My girlfriend is a widow. She married her high-school sweetheart when she was 21 and he died in an accident less than a year later. Understandably, she has been hesitant to move forward with any commitment to another guy.

I decided a long time ago that I wanted to marry this awesome woman, but I have been sensitive to her need to move slowly. I have tried to show her that I respect her love for her deceased husband and her slight sense of guilt in "moving on."

When I finally thought the time was right, I asked her to marry me. She said that she wasn't quite ready and she wanted to hold off on marriage plans until her cat died. (Strange as it sounds, I felt it was a reasonable request since she and her husband got this cat together when they were married.)

This cat, Pumpkin, was 16 when we made the agreement and seemed to be on his last legs. That was almost three years ago. I hate to pressure my girlfriend to break our agreement, but this cat is a freak of nature that is ruining my chance at happiness! What to do?
—Non-Cat Lover

Dear Non:

You call that a "slight sense of guilt in moving on"?

It's time for you to move on and find a woman who's not so hung up about her pussy.

Borrowed from "Dear Diane":

Dear Biff:

"Brenda" and I dated for five years before we both knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. I proposed to her three months ago.

Ever since then, the kind, thoughtful woman I fell in love with has become an insufferable witch (I think you know the word I really mean to say). She is constantly shrieking at people involved with planning the wedding, and it's gotten to the point where I can't stand to be around her.

Brenda's wedding plans are totally unrealistic. For one, she wants the ceremony to be held on a beach in Jamaica at sunset. The problem is that many of the more than 100 guests she's inviting can't afford to make the trip. Many of her relatives are retired and on a fixed income.

I won't get into some of the other more insane details of this fiasco. Needless to say the whole she-bang will cost us almost $100,000.

We don't have that kind of money. Brenda says I should take out a loan. I told her if I am going into hock for 100 Large, it's going to be for a new home, not a one-day event to appease her inflated sense of entitlement and vanity.

Is this sort of behavior normal with brides-to-be?

-Shocked

Dear Shocked:

Yes, but the term "brides-to-be" is too specific. The phrase "inflated sense of entitlement and vanity" is actually interchangeable with the word "woman."

You have three choices: Get used to it; begin frequenting the nearest freeway rest area bathroom at midnight; or join the priesthood.

And, we are all friends here, so you don't have to worry about etiquette. I assume when you say, "has become an insufferable witch," you actually mean, "finally showed what a crazy fucking bitch she was all along, but was able to hide until she set the hook."

Need help with your relationship? Just ask Biff at biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com

For more of Biff's take on relationships, check out the web comic Beauty:Bullshit, The Red Flag Ratio at Red Flag Publishing's web site.