Friday, October 20, 2006

Am I Turning My Son Queer?

Father was a Poofter
Originally uploaded by
Here's more of my invaluable advice on relationships:

Dear Biff: I have the most wonderful husband in the world. He cooks, he does housework, he does the dishes. From talking with my girlfriends, I don't think there is another man out there like him (certainly none of their husbands are so thoughtful and considerate).

The problem is with our son, who is a toddler. I have been reading all of Dr. James Dobson's books, and he clearly says that a boy must have a strong male role model in the home, or he risks turning gay.

I love my husband dearly, and certainly don't want to get off my lazy ass and do the housework*, but I also don't want my son to turn queer.

What should I do?

Signed - Worried Sick

Dear Sick: Dr. Dobson is absolutely right! If you don't start doing all the housework, cooking, and washing dishes immediately, you - and you alone - will be responsible when, a few years down the road, you walk in on your son as he's trying on your panties.

If you don't take the mop out of your husband's hand, your son will watch his dad manipulate what is obviously a phallic symbol, and either grow up to be Liberace's house-boy, or a chronic masturbator.

And, to further ensure you reverse any damage already done to your son's testicles, you should force your husband to sit in a recliner all day every Sunday while you wait on him hand and foot, bringing him beer and chips, and a bedpan when needed.

I know this sounds like a lot of work, but look closely at the alternative: if you don't make a radical change right now, in about 16 years your son will come home from school with his makeup all smeared, and tell you he now knows what Shania meant when she sang, "Man, I feel like a woman!"

*O.K., I admit to fabricating this line, but seriously, this letter was in a famous advice column recently. I swear!

Need help with your relationship? Just ask Biff at

For more of Biff's take on relationships, check out the web comic
Beauty:Bullshit, The Red Flag Ratio at Red Flag Publishing's web site.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Is My Husband a Switch Hitter?

Originally uploaded by biffhumble69.

Dear Biff: My husband's a college professor, and the dean recently asked each faculty member to post a picture on their personal web site that is either of themselves, or represents them or their field of study. My husband chose Michelangelo's David, which has nothing to do with the classes he teaches. I'm worried that this is his subconscious way of admitting that he is bisexual. I can see no other reason why a heterosexual man would choose this image to represent himself. Should I be worried?

Dear Worried: You homophobic prude! Why can't you imagine any reason your husband would choose this image, other than that he might like to catch as well as pitch; that he might be a pole smoker; that he might like to golf the 19th hole; or that he might be fond of prison love? Because you are a closed-minded, mind-controlled, religous-righter who thinks the human body is something to be embarrassed about, methinks.

Oh, and by the way, your husband isn't bisexual, he's as queer as a summer day is long.

I hope this helps you.

Need advice on your love life? Write Biff at

For more of Biff's take on relationships, check out the web comic Beauty:Bullshit, The Red Flag Ratio at Red Flag Publishing's web site.