Friday, October 20, 2006
Am I Turning My Son Queer?
Dear Biff: I have the most wonderful husband in the world. He cooks, he does housework, he does the dishes. From talking with my girlfriends, I don't think there is another man out there like him (certainly none of their husbands are so thoughtful and considerate).
The problem is with our son, who is a toddler. I have been reading all of Dr. James Dobson's books, and he clearly says that a boy must have a strong male role model in the home, or he risks turning gay.
I love my husband dearly, and certainly don't want to get off my lazy ass and do the housework*, but I also don't want my son to turn queer.
What should I do?
Signed - Worried Sick
Dear Sick: Dr. Dobson is absolutely right! If you don't start doing all the housework, cooking, and washing dishes immediately, you - and you alone - will be responsible when, a few years down the road, you walk in on your son as he's trying on your panties.
If you don't take the mop out of your husband's hand, your son will watch his dad manipulate what is obviously a phallic symbol, and either grow up to be Liberace's house-boy, or a chronic masturbator.
And, to further ensure you reverse any damage already done to your son's testicles, you should force your husband to sit in a recliner all day every Sunday while you wait on him hand and foot, bringing him beer and chips, and a bedpan when needed.
I know this sounds like a lot of work, but look closely at the alternative: if you don't make a radical change right now, in about 16 years your son will come home from school with his makeup all smeared, and tell you he now knows what Shania meant when she sang, "Man, I feel like a woman!"
*O.K., I admit to fabricating this line, but seriously, this letter was in a famous advice column recently. I swear!
Need help with your relationship? Just ask Biff at firstname.lastname@example.org
For more of Biff's take on relationships, check out the web comic Beauty:Bullshit, The Red Flag Ratio at Red Flag Publishing's web site.