Dear Readers: I apologize for my absence, but I caught a little bug at a bar in Bangkok that required some really heavy-duty antibiotics and some reconstructive surgery (they got spirochetes over there that will make the tip of your appendage rot and fall off!). But, I'm back, with a letter from a reader:
Dear Biff:
I am 17 years old and have never had a real
boyfriend or even been kissed. People make fun of me
because I'm weird. I am not rich and can't afford to
dress in style. Most of my clothes come from Kmart or
Goodwill.
I have pimples everywhere and suffer from severe
Hyperhydrosis, which means I sweat a lot. My face is
always wet and my forehead is always dripping and I
smell terrible all the time.
No one wants to be my friend because they think I'm
gross. I've been called Sweaty McPitts, Sweatzilla and
Pricess Smellsalot. I can't change schools and my
parents wont let me drop out.
Ugh!!! I hate myself! What should I do? I want to
be normal and have a boyfriend like all the other
girls my age. I want to get laid too damnit! What
advice can you offer a poor swetty girl such as myself?
Dear Sweaty McPitts:
First, realize that everyone hates themselves. It's part of the human condition.
Second, realize that there is a special support group for everyone that hates themselves. It meets every day at 5 p.m. in a place called a "bar."
Third, realize that there is medicine available to deal with all of your physical shortcomings that is easily available without a prescription. It's called "alcohol." They serve it in bars, and it has a progressive effect that will amaze you with how beautiful it can make a girl such as yourself (or a 48-year-old toothless Thai hooker) by about 2 a.m.
Your best bet is to wait until close to last call, when all of the really hot chicks (and most of the pretty plain ones) have already left with the Man du Jour, so there will be little to compare you with. Then, stake out a spot at the bar near the ugliest girl you can find, and begin trying to make eye contact with drunk guys.
If my theory holds true (that any woman can go into a bar and leave with a guy any night), you will get lucky.
Just bathe in perfume before hand, and let him get on top, so you don't drip sweat all over him (or do it in a hot tub).
Just be sure to leave before he wakes up semi-sober, so he will continue to think you were as beautiful as he thought you were when he was blotto. Trust me, there were a few times I considered chewing my own arm off to get away from a woman who looked dramatically different at 8 a.m. than she did at 2 a.m. the night before.
You can even do what most women do, and post a picture of a really hot chick that bears little resemblance to you on your Yahoo singles profile, and then IM him about what a great time you had, and offer to meet him again at 2 a.m. the next weekend.
Good luck!
Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit Red Flag Publishing
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