You've Come a Long Way, Baby

Spare the Rod, Spoil the Girlfriend
Originally uploaded by biffhumble69.

Stole this one from Dear Abby, but my advice is much better than hers.

Dear Biff:

Over the past three years, my best friend of 15 years, "Hazel," has engaged in some disturbing Internet dating behavior. Several months ago, she answered a classified ad on the Internet in which a man was looking for women who enjoy "domestic discipline" (in other words, spanking). Not only did Hazel meet this man, but she married him after knowing him for only three weeks!

When I met him, every alarm God ever game a woman went off at once. He was very aggressive and after only 10 minutes, began making inappropriate comments in front of me about spanking Hazel.
Hazel keeps pressing us to "get to know him," but every time I think about it I feel ill. My husband and I are conservative people. We would never associate with someone we knew openly practiced deviant behavior.

I am worried about my friend, and afraid he will abuse her. Can this relationship be salvaged?
-Shocked

Dear Shocked:

You mentioned that you and your husband are conservative, but you neglected to mention that you are also judgmental: "We would never associate with someone we knew openly practiced deviant behavior" indeed. Who the hell appointed you chief of the morality police?

If you think spanking is deviant, I've got some magazines under my bed that will make your hair curl.

I've got news for you: Your friend "Hazel" likes to get spanked, and she found somebody who is more than willing to do it. Sounds like a match made in heaven, to me.

And, her name isn't Hazel, it's Cindy. And she likes a lot more than just being spanked, let me tell you from experience - just take a look at her Internet profile - I keep her number on speed dial.

Can the relationship be salvaged? Only if you are willing to try it with your husband in some way other than the missionary position!!!

Oh, wait, you meant your relationship with Hazel?

No. Hazel likes to get her ass reddened before doing the giggity-giggity-goo with her new husband, and the thought of two consenting adults enjoying mutual interests in the privacy of their own home disgusts you.

I would suggest you join the 700 Club so you can find some other people with which to spend your social time who are as hung-up about sex as you.

Need help with your relationship? Just ask Biff at biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com

For more of Biff's take on relationships, check out the web comic Beauty:Bullshit, The Red Flag Ratio at Red Flag Publishing's web site.