Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Don't end up like Lefty

My first letter from a reader!

Dear Biff:

I am a generally promiscous male who usually hooks it up with very attractive women pretty much whenever I want to. However, I have known a woman now for three years that I am incrediby infatuated with. Not only is she supermodel hot, but has to be one of the most intriguing people that I have ever met.

Things seemed to be going in a positive direction for us recently, but I fucked it all up by pushing the sex issue. Please understand, I usually fuck on the first or second date, and not having sex with her for three years now seems unnatural. I just want to make it feel "more natural." Ok... honestly, I am really spoiled and was being a brat about the sex issue. Still, I don't think I did anything wrong.

Her, just being forced from a marriage in shambles, is allegedly "not ready" to make big steps, like sex. Knowing women like I do though, I believe that she is full of shit, as I specialize in sleeping with women who are still emotionally ambigious and "not ready for sex." Woman have a mercenary-like ability to get over their emotions in under one second, usually to hook up with guys like me. Still, she's not falling for it.

I don't know if I am ready to get over this, so... how do I get past this? The usual approach (sex with random women) doesn't seem to be working, but still... I don't mind trying that approach again and again if necessary. She keeps dangling the promise of promise in front of me... how do I stop falling for it? I have never felt so out of control of my emotions! Ok... honestly, there are actually emotions and not just hormones this time. Arghh... emotions damn them!

Help me, Biff!

Your super-fan,

The Devil's Left Testicle

Dear Lefty:

Hmmm ... I see two problems with this relationship.

1. You carried on a relationship with a woman for three years without consummating it; and

2. You became infatuated with her.

You didn't fuck this up by pushing the sex issue now; you fucked it up by not pushing the sex issue three years ago. By not doing that, you placed yourself in the role of "emotionally supportive male friend," of which every woman wants at least one.

The problem with this role is, after spending endless hours crying on your shoulder about all the emotionally abusive asshole men in their lives, women then go out and find an emotionally abusive asshole man to fuck their brains out.

Women, especially "supermodel hot" women, are used to guys lavishing them with attention. They begin to develop this deluded self-concept that guys are nice to them because they enjoy their company. They actually come to believe that men are willing to spend money just to be with them, because they are such thrilling companions and skilled conversationalists.

The fact that they don't realize that the only thing any of these men wants with them is to insert his penis in their vagina shows how far from reality these women's minds exist.

As someone who "specializes in sleeping with women who are still emotionally ambigious and 'not ready for sex,'" you know as well as I what you did wrong. You cared about her as a person. You became infatuated with her.

The paradox here is that "supermodel hot" women are only capable of caring about men who don't care about them (although one could convincingly argue that they really are incapable of caring about anyone other than themselves, as I did in my other blog ).

The only way you were going to get your penis anywhere near one of this woman's orifices would have been to treat her like she didn't matter. To a woman who is used to being treated like she is the only thing that matters, this is the most powerful aphrodisiac there is. If you had treated her like she wasn't worthy of you, she would have pulled out all the stops in order to prove that she was, in fact, worthy of you. This would have resulted in a virtually unlimited supply of mind-blowing blowjobs, had you played your cards right.

Instead you fucked it all up.

At this point, I see no chance of you ever getting with this woman, so the task left to you is to get over her. I have a lot of experience in this area, but since I have found the only beautiful woman in the world who doesn't act like a normal beautiful woman, and I'm not letting her out of my sight, that option is not open to you.

So, my advice to you is:

1. Increase your alcohol intake. The dosage schedule needs to be carefully worked out so as to get the emotional part of your brain completely blotto, but not eliminate the "lower" functions, if you get my drift. This will allow you to successfully institute step 2:

2. Have sex with as many random women as is humanly possible during the next six to nine months, in as many positions and locations as possible.

Whatever you do, follow the advice of the most effective corporate CEOs: always schedule meetings in the other person's office, that way you can decide when to leave. Or, even better, if she's drunk enough, go for the bar bathroom, as you can knock one off, and then move onto the next target without the wasted time of driving to her place, and having that awkward conversation in which you pretend that you will call her later.

I'm not guaranteeing that this will help you get over her, but unlike money, which cannot buy happiness, a lot of booze and pussy can. Or at least they will make you not give a shit.

Need advice on your relationship? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit Red Flag Publishing

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