I hate my sister-in-law's Thanksgiving dinner!

Dear Biff:

I hate Thanksgiving. Every year, my husband and I have to attend a family Thanksgiving dinner hosted by my husband's sister and her husband. We are never invited by my sister-in-law; in fact, she does not speak with us throughout the year. But, my mother-in-law tells me that as long as she is alive (she's freakin' 88 and just won't croak) she wants her family together for Thanksgiving.

"Oh, baby, when you look that way,
I can't control myself ..."

I've been honoring her wish because I love her son, and he stands to gain quite a bit of cash when she finally kicks. But, after driving several hundred miles for this family gathering, we are greeted by my brother-in-law, who calls me by the wrong name. (My husband and I have been married 10 years, and I am his only sister-in-law.) I correct him, but he doesn't seem to notice, as at dinner, he continues to address me by the wrong name.

I offer to help with cleaning up afterward, but my sister-in-law says she likes things a certain way in the kitchen, and would rather just do it herself.

We're then subjected to the performances of various grandchildren who either play piano poorly or sing like the rejects on American Idol. We leave as soon as is politely possible, after what seems like one long endlessly boring conversation.

Is there any reasonable way we can get out of these horrible dinners without upsetting my mother-in-law?

Signed,
Sulking in Syracuse

Dear Sully,

I have a better idea.

Attend the dinner, but use it as an opportunity for your own merriment. Here's some things my dates and I have done at past dinners I begrudgingly attended:

1. Shortly after you arrive, find an excuse to drag your sister-in-law from the kitchen. While the food is left unguarded, your husband should sneak in and bust a nut in a pre-arranged side dish, which you both eschew during dinner. Trust me, you and he will exchange many knowing glances and have difficulty stifling a chuckle as grandma admires how creamy the stuffing is, or little Sally licks the toasted marshmallows off the sweet potato casserole.

2. Be sure to visit the master bath before you sit down to dinner, and take note of any interesting medications in the medicine cabinet. Then, during dinner, ask your sister-in-law, 'I notice you have a large supply of Massengill. Are you still having problems with that chronic yeast infection?"

3. Provide Simon Cowle-like critiques of all the after-dinner performances, with the goal of making at least one of the children cry. After all, is there any better sound in the world than the sobs of a child whose self-esteem has been crushed?

3a. As the performances are winding down, announce that you and your husband have worked on a performance you would like to share, and excuse yourselves to prepare. Then return in full black-face and perform the most racially offensive skit you can possibly imagine. (Note: this trick only works above the Mason-Dixon line, and may not work in some suburbs of major cities, where it may actually ingratiate you with your hosts - use your common sense in these situations, and instead substitute with a screening from the most recent amateur porn video you and your husband made to sell on the internet.)

Oh, and I almost forgot the pièce de résistance: (actually, we can label this 2a): While you are visiting the master bath, insert any toothbrushes you find in your anus, and dance about the bathroom singing Peter Frampton's "I'm in You." And, assuming you have any pubic hair, use any hair combs or nose hair clippers you find to do a little landscaping. Any locks you remove should be placed in strategic locations, such as under the cap of the toothpaste tube.
***
(Editor's Note: We've been inundated with questions as to the importance of Peter Frampton as lyricist of choice whilst dancing around with toothbrushes in one's anus, and in response, Biff has reassured us that Frampton is simply his own personal favorite, and other practitioners of the art may sing from the repertoire of the songwriter of their chosing.)
***
This last one is the gift that keeps on giving. Just think how hard it will be not to guffaw Friday morning, as you pull your own toothbrush from its holder, and think about your relatives doing the same.

So, just remember, it's not the event that's boring, it's the attendees. If you find yourself thinking that a dinner party is too lame, you need to reexamine your own actions, and see if the problem lies within you.

I hope this helps.

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Biff is Back!!!

Guess who finally
checked in?
Uploaded by Biff Humble

Editor's Note:
Dear Readers,
I received the following note and manuscript in a crumpled DHL envelope this week:

Dear R.F. Peons:

I have tried to remain incognito and let you jokers run things while I was doing research for my new college psychology textbook, The Three Feminine Personality Types. But I can no longer stand to watch you pussy-up my column! Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT under any circumstances post any more of your namby-pamby limp-writsted liberal advice on MY BLOG! Enclosed is an entry for What Would Biff Say?

Also attached is a commentary which is to be posted immediately on Alfalfa Was Right. (Click here to read Biff's rant on Private Equity buyouts)

Oh, by the way, my shit better be where I left it when I return,and keep your damn hands of Darla!

Biff

Your first acting lesson:
Be sure to open your mouth wide
when you speak; no, even wider,
and enunciate as you repeat:
"I oont ohhh eee a acwess."

Dear Biff:

I want to be an actress more than anything in the whole, wide world. The problem is, my parents are dead-set against it. They think I'm too "smart" to be an actress, and that acting is too risky a career path.

But I love theatre, and am determined to do this. I don't want to do it behind my parents' backs, but if they insist, I'm just going to pack my stuff and head to Hollywood.

What can I say to convince them?

signed
Desiring a lead role

Dear Drama Queen

First off, I think your parents are wrong that you are too "smart" to be an actress. Just the fact that you want to be an actress proves you aren't too smart.

Second, Hollywood is already full of actresses. Only there, they call them "waitresses."

Your parents are correct that acting is a risky career path. You will face incredible competition for parts, and will have to prove that you are better than all the rest.

How do you do this?

Well, you must learn to enunciate very well. Even when you have your mouth full. Go visit your dentist, ask him to put as many dental instruments into your mouth as will fit, and then keep repeating, "I want to be an actress." Don't be surprised if it comes out nearly unintelligible and sounding like "I oont ooohh eeee a acwess." But, don't worrry, most casting agents are used to listening to actresses when they have their mouths full.

Oh, and practice it on your knees, as well.

I hope this helps.


-Biff Humble
May 21, 2007
from a bar in
Karst, Slovenia

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Lizzie Borden Meets Lorena Bobbit

Where in the World
is Biff Humble?
Uploaded by James Hitchcock

Dear Readers,
While we search for Biff, our editorial director has offered to step into Biff's shoes, and promises to answer your questions with as much humor and insight as our fearless publisher; however, this one has required much contemplation before responding:

This is what my man parts
looked like after my divorce

Dear James

I am a single woman, aged 24, and I have a strong desire to pull up along-side a man, any man, walking and take him somewhere and have hot kinky sex with him and then dismember him and leave him to bleed to death. I want to cut off his man parts and watch him scream. Is there anything wrong with that?

Carrie

Dear Lorena,

Wow.

Ummmmm ... I'm really not sure what to say, other than, "don't."

Unless, of course, you are speaking figuratively, in which case you should always wait until you marry him before you cut off a man's balls.

How about this one, readers? Any suggestions? Please leave comments, because I'm at a loss here.

I hope this helps,
James

We are at day 106 of Biff Watch, and we are still asking our loyal readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth.

If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to jehitch@redflagpublishing.com, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.


Thanks,
James Hitchcock
Editorial Director
Red Flag Publishing

Oh, and PLEASE ... CHECK OUT OUR CHEAP DOWNLOADS!

She Wants Variety

Where in the World
is Biff Humble?
Uploaded by James Hitchcock

Dear Readers,
While we search for Biff, our editorial director has offered to step into Biff's shoes, and promises to answer your questions with as much humor and insight as our fearless publisher; however, for some reason, the letters have dried up since he started answering them. But, finally, we've received a couple queries. Here's the first addressed to him:

What do you like to spread
on your English Muffin?

Dear James

My husband and I have been married for a little over four years, and lately, I've been fantasizing about having sex with other men. I'd like to have one night stands with lots of different men, but I would never want my husband to be upset, so I think he should do the same (with women of course). I just don't know how to approach him on this for fear he may become upset and accuse me of wanting to cheat on him. What should I do?

Play Misty for Me

Dear Misty,

Whenever you start to feel these urges, you should pull out your marriage license, and remember the vows you took four years ago. It's O.K. to fantasize about other men, you just shouldn't act on it. Maybe you two could play dress-up to help the fantasy?

Just don't do what my ex girlfriend did, and keep calling me by my best friend's name ...

Ironically, they are living together now. I guess when she calls out, "Alan! Alan!" he won't even realize she's yelling someone else's name.

In a way, you remind me of the wife of this artist who works at our comics company, only she wants to try lots of different kinds of food, which, I suppose is not as bad as wanting to try lots of different men.

But it does start to bug me after a while, when she keeps asking me, "Do you like seafood?" and I say, "Yes," and she says, "How about clams?" Then she will come up to me and ask, "Do you like Mexican food?" and I say, "Yes," and she asks me, "How about tacos?"

She must not be too bright, because almost certainly if I like seafood I would like clams, and tacos if I liked Mexican food. Logic is so often lost on women.

But, what bugs me most is when she comes up and says, "Do you like food from Great Britain?" and I will say, "Yes," and she will ask me, "Would you like to spread my English Muffin?"

Now, first of all, I'm really busy with Biff gone, and hardly have time to help her make her breakfast. And second, how would I know what she wants on her English Muffin?

Sometimes girls can be so irritating.

If it weren't for that cute English accent she has, I don't know if I could stand to be around her.

I hope this helps,
James

We are at day 79 of Biff Watch, and we are still asking our loyal readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth.

If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to jehitch@redflagpublishing.com, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.


Thanks,
James Hitchcock
Editorial Director
Red Flag Publishing

Oh, and PLEASE ... BUY OUR BOOKS!

My Girlfriend Came Out of the Closet!

Where in the World
is Biff Humble?
Uploaded by James Hitchcock

Dear Readers,
While we search for Biff, our editorial director has offered to step into Biff's shoes, and promises to answer your questions with as much humor and insight as our fearless publisher ...

Why do women always say that
they are coming out of the closet
when they break up with me?

Dear Biff

I don't know what to do.

Last night at a party, one of my friends told me he opened the closet to get his coat, and he found my girlfriend, on her knees, in front of a man, who was holding her head.

I rushed out to the living room just in time to see my girlfriend coming out of the closet with Steve, a friend of ours, sort of ... really more of an acquaintance than a friend. Sort of a friend of a friend, really. You see, there's this librarian I know, who introduced me to Steve ... well, not in person, you see, but over the internet, and we've chatted. So, we had never really met until that night, but he was sort of a friend, I guess. Well, actually, he probably chatted more often with my girlfriend than me, but I still considered him my friend.

Well, anyway, I confronted my girlfriend, and asked her what was going on.

She said that she had lost her earring, and was looking in the closet in case it had snagged on her scarf.

So I asked her what Steve was doing in there with her, holding her head.

She said that he saw her looking, and came to help, and was turning her head to where he saw something glittery on the floor.

She even said that someone accidentally closed the door while they were looking for the earring.

The thing was, I looked, and she wasn't wearing earrings.

So, I became very suspicious that maybe they were fooling around. But it just didn't add up. After all, why would she be on her knees if they were kissing?

She tells me there is no reason to be jealous, and that nothing was happening, but if I would just give her a pearl necklace once in a while, she might not lose her earrings so often.

I just don't see how buying her more jewelry will keep her from losing her earrings. It seems like the more jewelry she has, the more likely she is to lose it.

And, I still keep getting this weird feeling that something just wasn't right.


Signed,

Wondering
(Note: I've been told to change the names to protect the anonymity of our readers - James)

Dear Mr. Dumas,

I think you are overreacting to what was probably a very innocent situation.

Obviously, if your girlfriend was on her knees looking for an earring, she couldn't have been kissing Steve.

And, of course she wasn't wearing earrings - she told you she lost them!

Are you always so jealous of your girlfriend? Let me tell you from experience that nothing can turn off a woman more quickly than jealousy. One of my ex-girlfriends broke up with me when I accused her of messing around under similar circumstances to your own. During a party, I found her in our bed, under a pile of coats, with one of my friends. I yelled and yelled at her. But then she explained that she had her hands in his pants to help him look for his wallet, and I felt really stupid. I apologized, but she left me anyway.

You would think I would have learned, but I accused my next girlfriend of messing around because she kept sneaking into the men's bathroom at our favorite pub - when there were guys in there! She told me that it was just because there was a line in the women's restroom, and she couldn't hold it. And, all the guys in there vouched for her, too.

So, I finally learned my lesson about being jealous. I think you should give your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt here, and tell her you are sorry for being so jealous.

But, just to double check my opinion, I asked Darla what she thought. She agreed with me, and said you should also give her that pearl necklace she wanted, to prove you were sorry.

Funny thing is, she said with Biff gone, she could use a pearl necklace, but I just don't have that kind of money laying around, and I wouldn't want my boss to get jealous because I bought his girlfriend jewelry.

I hope this helps,

James


We are at day 54 of Biff Watch, and we are still asking our loyal readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth.

If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to jehitch@redflagpublishing.com, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.


Thanks,
James Hitchcock
Editorial Director
Red Flag Publishing

Oh, and PLEASE ... BUY OUR BOOKS!

I want a baby; he doesn't!

Where in the World
is Biff Humble?
Uploaded by James Hitchcock

Dear Readers,
While we search for Biff, our editorial director has offered to step into Biff's shoes, and promises to answer your questions with as much humor and insight as our fearless publisher ...

Every man loves babies

Dear Biff

I've been married to a wonderful man for two years and we are very happy. I'm 34, he's 41. It's my first marriage, his second, and he has two children that he has raised on his own. Before we became engaged, he said he didn't want any more children. I didn't either, at the time.

But now, all I can think about is having a baby. We've talked and talked about it, and he sticks to his guns. He says that he's already been through that part of his life, and I knew that going into the marriage. He says he's too old, that it would cost to much to raise another child, and that it would take too much time away from us as a couple.

I love this man dearly, but I desperately want a child. How can I get him to change his mind?

Signed,

Marion in Mattawan


Dear Marion,

I just don't understand why your husband wouldn't want to have more children. Children are great. I wish I had more of them.

Your husband probably just doesn't know yet that he wants another baby. Just keep bringing up the subject (at least five or six times a day), and eventually, he'll come around.

If he doesn't, you could either threaten to never have sex with him again, or "accidentally" forget to take your birth control.*

I'm sure that once you were pregnant, he would be deliriously happy.

I hope this helps,

James

*Biff would probably have offered to inseminate you in many different ways at this point of the letter, so in an effort to be humorous, I will say that if your husband doesn't give in, I will offer to visit the local sperm bank and leave a deposit while thinking lewd and lascivious thoughts about you. You can then make arrangements to pick up the sample, and use it to become pregnant. But, if you do so, I would like to be a part of the baby's life, even if he (I'm already calling the baby "he") doesn't know that I'm really the father. You can just call me "Uncle Jim."


We are at day 47 of Biff Watch, and a reader reported seeing Biff in Sloppy Joe's Bar in Key West. We don't have any photographic corroboration, but it sounds like the kind of place he'd hang out.

We are still asking our loyal readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth.

If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to jehitch@redflagpublishing.com, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.

Please, we need your help.

Thanks,
James Hitchcock
Editorial Director
Red Flag Publishing

Oh, and PLEASE ... BUY OUR BOOKS!

I like fresh-caught crabs

Where in the World
is Biff Humble?
Uploaded by James Hitchcock

Dear Readers,
While we search for Biff, our editorial director has offered to step into Biff's shoes, and promises to answer your questions with as much humor and insight as our fearless publisher ...

Crabs are easy to find
in New Jersey

Dear Biff

I am from the midwest, and will be vactioning out east this spring, and I was wondering if you can tell me where I can catch crabs in New Jersey?

Signed,

Matt, from Battle Creek


Dear Matt,

My friend Joe Willy called a friend who lives in Mt. Laurel, New Jersey, and he says, "On just about any street corner."

I'm not sure what this means, but Joe assures me it's very funny.

I hope this helps,

James


We are at day 45 of Biff Watch, and our most recent reader sighting was near the Horn of Africa.

We are still asking our loyal readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth.

If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to jehitch@redflagpublishing.com, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.

Please, we need your help. The really scary guy in sunglasses and a black sedan came back and he said,

"Tell dat Daisy boozehound he's in da dutch wit Shy. Da big man don't care dat Biff's on a nut, he wants his vig for them Gs Biff put down on da bangtails, and if Biff don't cough up the cabbage soon," he'd be "back with Roscoe, and dey'd start spittin' metal." And, he said, "Chin-time was done; even tho day useta drink from da same bottle when day was in da bit, bizness was bizness," and Biff "better be heeled next time I sees him, or he'll end up aired out in a Chicago overcoat," and that he "didn't care what schmoes went on da trip wit him."

At least that's what I think he said, I was writing as fast as I could, and when I asked the guy to repeat himself, he said,

"Ya dumb as well as queer, palooka? I gots no time ta bump guns wit you, jus' give Biff the message, or your tits'll be in da wringer, too."

I have not idea what any of that means, but I think it has something to do with Biff being gay, or something.

Thanks,
James Hitchcock
Editorial Director
Red Flag Publishing

Oh, and PLEASE ... BUY OUR BOOKS!

Biff Watch, Day 35

Where in the World
is Biff Humble?
Uploaded by James Hitchcock

Our readers have a rather peculiar sense of humor ...


Dear readers,

Since I posted the entry "Red Flag Publishing needs your help! We can't find our publisher, Biff Humble," we have been flooded with reports of Biff sightings.

Some of them are serious, and some of them, -ahem- let's say, not so serious. Unfortunately, those that were not so serious were most likely to include photos:

I said, "he may be sporting
several days' beard growth"
Not, "He looks like
a homeless John Huston."

Our first photo, from a reader in Boston, appears to be a really old guy who resembles what movie director John Huston might look like were he living on the street for several years and eating rats. This is definitely not Biff, by about 30 years and a thousand lice.

Remember, I said Biff "has been gone for more than three weeks," not "he's been living on the streets most of his life."

Biff is not an old
English fart, either

Second on the list is one sent by a UK reader. Bad news: Biff is also not some Brit plonker who looks like his idea of a brilliant Saturday night is a six-hour solo piss-up capped by wanking his willie whilst looking at PR glossies of the Queen Mum taped to the loo wall, and fantasizing that he's busting his knackers in her arse.

Another Brit wanker

Our next entry, from the Commonwealth of Virginia, is nothing but the image of Sir Walter Raleigh from a tobacco tin.

Come on, show some ingenuity, people.

Not Biff, either, but getting closer

From a reader in Kuwait, we have this wonderful example of ... I'm guessing not active military, but maybe a reservist?

While too fat, and a bit too old to be Biff, at least this is a more likely place to find him. But, while Biff does seem to have an affinity for war zones, any place that does not allow alcohol quickly falls from the list of likely locales where he might be found.

Frosty the Biffman

These next two from Midwestern U.S. readers, are really disappointing.

Come on.

The "Biff Clause" in our
publishing contracts

How much effort did you expend for these entries?

15.026 seconds on a Google image search???

The holidays are over. Pack away your holly berries 'till next year.

Biff on a cold morning?

Our last entry this week is from a reader in Georgia who either completely misunderstood the assignment, or was watching The Squid Billies while reading my post, and missed an important part of the search.

I said, Biff is "prone to smoke a pipe," not ...

Uhhhhhh, well maybe this reader is actually the most brilliant one of the group (sort of like saying he's the brightest Special Ed student), because Darla just leaned over my shoulder and said, of the bunch, this photo most closely resembles Biff - at least on a cold morning.

So, we are now a month into our Biff Watch (I hear Fox News is working up a logo), and we are no further ahead, thanks to our smartass readers.

Again, we are asking you to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth.

If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to jehitch@redflagpublishing.com, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.

Please, we need your help. Our computer nerd has hacked the password to the Cayman Islands bank account, but this really scary guy in sunglasses and a black sedan keeps dropping by to ask for Biff, and he's really creeping me out.

Thanks,
James Hitchcock
Editorial Director
Red Flag Publishing

Biff is missing!

Where in the World is Biff Humble?
Originally uploaded by James Hitchcock

There's trouble in Rivertown!

Dear readers,

Red Flag Publishing needs your help! We can't find our publisher, Biff Humble.

Now, we have grown used to Biff's tendency to disappear for a week or two at a time, but he's been gone for more than three weeks. Plus, he disappeared under somewhat mysterious circumstances (even by Biff's rather peculiar standards).

He was last seen by Darla celebrating New Year's Eve at L'Ambassade in the Patong suburb of Phuket, Thailand. She has told us that when she met him there, he was drinking tequila shots - and apparently had been for quite some time - with a famous photojournalist friend (whom has asked we not mention his name) that he had worked with in Central America in the '80s.

Darla tells us she struck up a conversation with Biff's friend, and, at some point, they decided to go to dinner together. They left Biff with instructions to meet them back at the bar before midnight to ring in the New Year.

Darla reports that she and the photojournalist returned to the bar about 11 p.m., but Biff was nowhere to be found. In asking around the bar, they found a waitress who remembered seeing Biff talking with another man whom the waitress described as "fat and ugly, but with a good voice" who was accompanied by two young Asian women in British schoolgirl outfits. The waitress said she saw them leaving the bar together.

Darla knows Biff as well (probably better) than we do, so she didn't worry about pursuing the matter. After all, with Biff, some things are better left alone. She continued to celebrate the evening with the photojournalist, figuring they would hook up with Biff in the morning.

But, the next morning, Biff did not answer his hotel room door when Darla knocked. When she finally convinced the hotel manager to open the door, they realized there was a problem. She reports that the room contained nothing but the discarded schoolgirl outfits, a couple empty pill vials, and a broken 35mm camera. All of Biff's belongings were gone.

Darla and Biff's friend set off to search every bar, back room, and bordello between Phuket and Bankok, but found no trace of Biff. Several ladies remembered seeing Biff, but no one had a clue where he might have gone.

So, we are asking our readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth.

If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to jehitch@redflagpublishing.com, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.

Please, we need your help. The bills are piling up, and he's the only one who knows the password to the Cayman Islands bank account.

Thanks,
James Hitchcock
Editorial Director
Red Flag Publishing