tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-361984952024-03-13T00:37:43.874-07:00What Would Biff Say?I've decided that I have simply too much wisdom and knowledge about relationships not to use it to help others. So, I've decided to offer an advice column to men and women who are having trouble understanding each other.James Hitchcockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11568297017339064993noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36198495.post-40124763370663501592012-11-20T11:13:00.002-08:002012-11-20T11:13:31.475-08:00I Hate Going to my Sister-in-law's Thanksgiving Dinner!<strong><i>Editor's note: An oldie but goodie from Biff's advice archives:</i></strong><br />
<strong><br /></strong>
<strong>Dear Biff:</strong><br />
<br />
I hate Thanksgiving. Every year, my husband and I have to attend a family Thanksgiving dinner hosted by my husband's sister and her husband. We are never invited by my sister-in-law; in fact, she does not speak with us throughout the year. But, my mother-in-law tells me that as long as she is alive (she's freakin' 88 and just won't croak) she wants her family together for Thanksgiving.<br />
<div style="float: right; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 10px;">
<a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/" title="What Would Biff Say"><img alt="Oh, baby, when you look that way, I can't control myself ..." height="142" src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2141/2034351749_e0d9f16214_o.jpg" width="240" /></a><br />
<span style="font-size: 10; margin-top: 1px;"><a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/direct.html">"Oh, baby, when you look that way,<br />I can't control myself ..."</a></span></div>
<br />
I've been honoring her wish because I love her son, and he stands to gain quite a bit of cash when she finally kicks. But, after driving several hundred miles for this family gathering, we are greeted by my brother-in-law, who calls me by the wrong name. (My husband and I have been married 10 years, and I am his only sister-in-law.) I correct him, but he doesn't seem to notice, as at dinner, he continues to address me by the wrong name.<br />
<br />
I offer to help with cleaning up afterward, but my sister-in-law says she likes things a certain way in the kitchen, and would rather just do it herself.<br />
<br />
We're then subjected to the performances of various grandchildren who either play piano poorly or sing like the rejects on American Idol. We leave as soon as is politely possible, after what seems like one long endlessly boring conversation. <br />
<br />
Is there any reasonable way we can get out of these horrible dinners without upsetting my mother-in-law?<br />
<br />
<em>Signed,<br />Sulking in Syracuse</em><br />
<br />
<strong>Dear Sully,</strong><br />
<br />
I have a better idea.<br />
<br />
Attend the dinner, but use it as an opportunity for your own merriment. Here's some things my dates and I have done at past dinners I begrudgingly attended:<br />
<br />
1. Shortly after you arrive, find an excuse to drag your sister-in-law from the kitchen. While the food is left unguarded, your husband should sneak in and bust a nut in a pre-arranged side dish, which you both eschew during dinner. Trust me, you and he will exchange many knowing glances and have difficulty stifling a chuckle as grandma admires how creamy the stuffing is, or little Sally licks the toasted marshmallows off the sweet potato casserole.<br />
<br />
2. Be sure to visit the master bath before you sit down to dinner, and take note of any interesting medications in the medicine cabinet. Then, during dinner, ask your sister-in-law, 'I notice you have a large supply of Massengill. Are you still having problems with that chronic yeast infection?"<br />
<br />
3. Provide Simon Cowle-like critiques of all the after-dinner performances, with the goal of making at least one of the children cry. After all, is there any better sound in the world than the sobs of a child whose self-esteem has been crushed?<br />
<br />
3a. As the performances are winding down, announce that you and your husband have worked on a performance you would like to share, and excuse yourselves to prepare. Then return in full black-face and perform the most racially offensive skit you can possibly imagine. (Note: this trick only works above the Mason-Dixon line, and may not work in some suburbs of major cities, where it may actually ingratiate you with your hosts - use your common sense in these situations, and instead substitute with a screening from the most recent amateur porn video you and your husband made to sell on the internet.)<br />
<br />
Oh, and I almost forgot the <em>pièce de résistance</em>: (actually, we can label this 2a): While you are visiting the master bath, insert any toothbrushes you find in your anus, and dance about the bathroom singing Peter Frampton's "I'm in You." And, assuming you have any pubic hair, use any hair combs or nose hair clippers you find to do a little landscaping. Any locks you remove should be placed in strategic locations, such as under the cap of the toothpaste tube.<br />
***<br />
<strong><em>(Editor's Note: We've been inundated with questions as to the importance of Peter Frampton as lyricist of choice whilst dancing around with toothbrushes in one's anus, and in response, Biff has reassured us that Frampton is simply his own personal favorite, and other practitioners of the art may sing from the repertoire of the songwriter of their chosing.)</em></strong><br />
***<br />
This last one is the gift that keeps on giving. Just think how hard it will be not to guffaw Friday morning, as you pull your own toothbrush from its holder, and think about your relatives doing the same.<br />
<br />
So, just remember, it's not the event that's boring, it's the attendees. If you find yourself thinking that a dinner party is too lame, you need to reexamine your own actions, and see if the problem lies within you.<br />
<br />
I hope this helps.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.webcomicsnation/redflag">Our New Anthology - FREE!</a>jehitchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656599897250852225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36198495.post-50459107699156135472011-01-03T16:05:00.001-08:002011-01-03T16:05:13.128-08:00The second drop from Red Flag Publishing is now being hustled in pamphlet style. Available now for a limited time exclusively at the top secret and very exclusive comics buying club known as IndyPlanet. <a title="Red Flags #2 on Indy Planet" href="http://www.indyplanet.com/store/product_info.php?products_id=4182" target="_self">Click Here To Buy a Copy</a><br /><br />Red Flags vol. 2 brings with it three complete and shocking tales told in an anthology of traditional comic book genres- funny animal, crime and zombies. Sure to send waves of pleasure down your spine as you witness it's forbidden contents! History, propaganda and censorship, identity and reality, religion and ignorance, perversion and faith- NOTHING is off limits! Contents may be shocking and disturbing unless you are "hip to what's up on the scene."<br /><br />New takes on horror comics: RED FLAGS. Consider this your last warning!<br /><br /><a href="http://www.indyplanet.com/store/product_info.php?products_id=4182"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdSgQ2QMLJI42-oYBZCat63pehBCrVQJEsq-2_h5uEJ2jtqUIIrBmevjqsdjcIa22Hu86ThJGMyytzg6Xs-Sy_fUqseMwKhJbAvnZbfhTxd1aJyigmA3T8mcu4XYkQjKYLFsDp3Q/s640/Red+Flags+%232+doc_01.jpg" alt="Red Flags #2 Cover" /><br /></a><br />$3.99 • 32 pages • Heavy stock • 100% satisfaction assured • No refunds<br />WARNING: Possession of this book may be a crime in some states,<br />municipalities or foreign countries (consult your legal counsel)James Hitchcockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11568297017339064993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36198495.post-8459823537383436042009-09-05T16:29:00.001-07:002009-09-05T16:40:54.847-07:00Is an old bird in the hand worth more than a young one in the bush?<div style="float: right; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 10px;"><a title="What Would Biff Say" href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/"><img alt="Biff is Back!!!" src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/72/172862753_f41743a7f2_t.jpg" width="81" height="100" /></a><br /><span style="margin-top: 1px;font-size:10;" >Biff Humble<br /></span></div><br /><strong>Editor's Note:</strong><br /><em>Dear Readers,<br />Back from his long absence, Biff has dug into the huge pile of letters seeking his advice:</em><br /><br /><strong>Dear Biff,</strong><br /><br />I am in my mid-20s, and in my first real "career" job. It's exciting and fast-paced, and I work with very interesting people. One of them is a 40-something woman, who, while not my supervisor, is substantially higher on the corporate ladder than I.<br /><br />On a recent out-of-town business trip, she had a few drinks, and made a pass at me. I laughed it off and managed to difuse the situation without offending her. Since then, she keeps giving me "meaningful" glances when we are in meetings together, and once, when leaving a room behind me, patted me on the butt. It seems obvious that she's interested in me, which is not all bad, as, for a 40-something, she's pretty hot.<br /><br />The problem is, there is another woman in my department who I kind of have a crush on. She's much more appropriate for me to date: same "level" as me, same age, and we even share some interests. She is rather shy, but approaches me to talk on occasion.<br /><br />So, here's the quandary: I really like this younger woman, but she seems a bit "conservative." I can see myself dating her for quite a while before being able to "make a move." The older woman, on the other hand, I'm pretty sure would be "good to go" from the start.<br /><br />What do I do, go for the sure thing (which probably has no long-term future), or take it slow with the one I might be able to have a meaningful relationship with?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">Stalked by a cougar</span><strong style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><em></em></strong><br /><br /><strong><br />Dear Cooter</strong><br /><br />Let me think about this for a minute:<br /><br />Woman #1 is "conservative." I take that to mean you think you might spend hundreds of dollars wining and dining her, and still not get anywhere.<br /><br />Woman #2 has proven herself as likely to spread her legs as a drunken prom date. And, "for a 40-something, she's pretty hot."<br /><br />Seems like a no-brainer to me.<br /><br />Especially when you take into account Biff's Rule of Romance #1:<br /><br />"Young and pretty provides the thrills, but old and lonely pays the bills."<br /><br />Normally, a man must make a decision when pursuing romance. What makes an older, wealthy woman attractive is that she will generously support a lifestyle a man cannot afford on his own. What makes a hot young thing attractive is that she's ... well ... attractive. But that beauty will often cost you much more than you get out of it (see my previous columns on the beauty:bullshit ratio).<br /><br />In this case, Woman #2 sounds like the best of both worlds: She's hot; she'll likely pay for dinner; and she'll put out.<br /><br />But, you can always follow the advice of an experienced gambler, and hedge your bet. It's quite likely this older woman will not want your affair to be public knowledge in the workplace. So, you could ask the younger woman out as well, and tell her you don't want the fact you are seeing each other socially to be public knowledge among your coworkers. Then, you can spend your time working through the defenses of the younger woman while releasing pressure with the older woman.<br /><br />I don't think either of them would mind if they found out.<br /><br /><em>I hope this helps,</em><br /><br /><strong>Biff</strong><br /><br /><em>p.s. If you decide to go for woman #1, send me contact info for woman #2. Cash has been a bit tight lately.</em><br /><a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/direct.html">BUY OUR BOOKS!</a>James Hitchcockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11568297017339064993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36198495.post-69797171558685345062009-08-29T17:45:00.000-07:002009-09-05T16:35:02.708-07:00I'm smart and pretty, why don't men like me?<div style="float: right; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 10px;"><a title="What Would Biff Say" href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/"><img alt="Biff is Back!!!" src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/72/172862753_f41743a7f2_t.jpg" width="81" height="100" /></a><br /><span style="margin-top: 1px;font-size:10;" >Biff Humble<br /></span></div><br /><strong>Editor's Note:</strong><br /><em>Dear Readers,<br />Back from his long absence, Biff has dug into the huge pile of letters seeking his advice:</em><br /><br /><strong>Dear Biff,</strong><br /><br />I'm a 30-something woman who's been quite successful in life. I have a master's degree and a great job; I travel; I'm in great health and in perfect shape. People tell me I'm fun, smart, and pretty. I'm happy with all the aspects of my life except I can't seem to find love.<br /><br />I've tried to meet men in a variety of places: in class, at work, through friends, at events, and online, and sometimes I'll get a couple dates. Then the guy wants casual sex, making it obvious he has no interest in a relationship with me. I'm left confused and am becoming bitter, because I really want a relationship.<br /><br />It would seem that being an attractive, accomplished person would make a person good relationship material, but apparently that's not enough. I have met a lot of women who are not as nice, less funny, and less interesting who manage to find boyfriends. What can I do differently that will make guys want to be in a relationship with me?<br /><br /><strong><em>Perkie in Pokipsee</em></strong><br /><br /><strong><br />Dear Pokie</strong><br /><br />You are correct, being an attractive, accomplished person would make a person good relationship material, but that's just not enough.<br /><br />You also have to NOT be a self-centered, egotistical bitch who thinks of others as "not as nice, less funny, and less interesting" than herself.<br /><br />We at Red Flag Publishing have developed a theory to explain this to the clueless women who need to buy books such as "He's Just Not that Into You." We call it the Beauty:Bullshit ratio. It works this way: every man is willing to put up with a certain level of bullshit in order to obtain a steady source of sex.<br /><br />There is a direct correlation between the beauty of the piece he is tapping and the level of bullshit a man is willing to put up with. A smokin' hot supermodel can be pretty much batshit crazy and still find someone with which to be in a relationship. But, even then, sometimes it gets too much and, although men all over the world shake their heads in disbelief, some guy actually breaks up with a supermodel.<br /><br />You can't help but look at that situation, and wonder what kind of crazy is wrapped up in that slinky black dress.<br /><br />So, our guess is that either you are not nearly as attractive as you believe, or it's obvious to men that there is a whole lotta crazy emanating from you.<br /><br />We are guessing it's the latter, since the men you date are willing to have casual sex with you, but not subject themselves to a relationship with you. After all, it can be kinda fun tapping the crazy ones. As long as you don't do something stupid, like fall asleep before she does.<br /><br /><em>I hope this helps,</em><br /><br /><strong>Biff</strong><br /><br /><em>p.s. If you'd like to knock off a quick one, email me.</em><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/direct.html">BUY OUR BOOKS!</a>James Hitchcockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11568297017339064993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36198495.post-24241267628037114262007-11-15T09:56:00.000-08:002007-11-15T10:11:22.876-08:00I hate my sister-in-law's Thanksgiving dinner!<strong>Dear Biff:</strong><br /><br />I hate Thanksgiving. Every year, my husband and I have to attend a family Thanksgiving dinner hosted by my husband's sister and her husband. We are never invited by my sister-in-law; in fact, she does not speak with us throughout the year. But, my mother-in-law tells me that as long as she is alive (she's freakin' 88 and just won't croak) she wants her family together for Thanksgiving.<br /><div style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN-BOTTOM: 10px; MARGIN-LEFT: 10px"><p><a title="What Would Biff Say" href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2141/2034351749_e0d9f16214_o.jpg" width="240" height="142" alt="Oh, baby, when you look that way, I can't control myself ..." /></a><br /><span style="MARGIN-TOP: 1px;font-size:10;" ><a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/direct.html">"Oh, baby, when you look that way,<br />I can't control myself ..."</a></span></div><br />I've been honoring her wish because I love her son, and he stands to gain quite a bit of cash when she finally kicks. But, after driving several hundred miles for this family gathering, we are greeted by my brother-in-law, who calls me by the wrong name. (My husband and I have been married 10 years, and I am his only sister-in-law.) I correct him, but he doesn't seem to notice, as at dinner, he continues to address me by the wrong name.<br /><br />I offer to help with cleaning up afterward, but my sister-in-law says she likes things a certain way in the kitchen, and would rather just do it herself.<br /><br />We're then subjected to the performances of various grandchildren who either play piano poorly or sing like the rejects on American Idol. We leave as soon as is politely possible, after what seems like one long endlessly boring conversation. <br /><br />Is there any reasonable way we can get out of these horrible dinners without upsetting my mother-in-law?<br /><br /><em>Signed,<br />Sulking in Syracuse</em><br /><br /><strong>Dear Sully,</strong><br /><br />I have a better idea.<br /><br />Attend the dinner, but use it as an opportunity for your own merriment. Here's some things my dates and I have done at past dinners I begrudgingly attended:<br /><br />1. Shortly after you arrive, find an excuse to drag your sister-in-law from the kitchen. While the food is left unguarded, your husband should sneak in and bust a nut in a pre-arranged side dish, which you both eschew during dinner. Trust me, you and he will exchange many knowing glances and have difficulty stifling a chuckle as grandma admires how creamy the stuffing is, or little Sally licks the toasted marshmallows off the sweet potato casserole.<br /><br />2. Be sure to visit the master bath before you sit down to dinner, and take note of any interesting medications in the medicine cabinet. Then, during dinner, ask your sister-in-law, 'I notice you have a large supply of Massengill. Are you still having problems with that chronic yeast infection?"<br /><br />3. Provide Simon Cowle-like critiques of all the after-dinner performances, with the goal of making at least one of the children cry. After all, is there any better sound in the world than the sobs of a child whose self-esteem has been crushed?<br /><br />3a. As the performances are winding down, announce that you and your husband have worked on a performance you would like to share, and excuse yourselves to prepare. Then return in full black-face and perform the most racially offensive skit you can possibly imagine. (Note: this trick only works above the Mason-Dixon line, and may not work in some suburbs of major cities, where it may actually ingratiate you with your hosts - use your common sense in these situations, and instead substitute with a screening from the most recent amateur porn video you and your husband made to sell on the internet.)<br /><br />Oh, and I almost forgot the <em>pièce de résistance</em>: (actually, we can label this 2a): While you are visiting the master bath, insert any toothbrushes you find in your anus, and dance about the bathroom singing Peter Frampton's "I'm in You." And, assuming you have any pubic hair, use any hair combs or nose hair clippers you find to do a little landscaping. Any locks you remove should be placed in strategic locations, such as under the cap of the toothpaste tube.<br />***<br /><strong><em>(Editor's Note: We've been inundated with questions as to the importance of Peter Frampton as lyricist of choice whilst dancing around with toothbrushes in one's anus, and in response, Biff has reassured us that Frampton is simply his own personal favorite, and other practitioners of the art may sing from the repertoire of the songwriter of their chosing.)</em></strong><br />***<br />This last one is the gift that keeps on giving. Just think how hard it will be not to guffaw Friday morning, as you pull your own toothbrush from its holder, and think about your relatives doing the same.<br /><br />So, just remember, it's not the event that's boring, it's the attendees. If you find yourself thinking that a dinner party is too lame, you need to reexamine your own actions, and see if the problem lies within you.<br /><br />I hope this helps.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.webcomicsnation/redflag">Our New Anthology - FREE!</a><br /><a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/direct.html">BUY OUR BOOKS!</a>James Hitchcockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11568297017339064993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36198495.post-40079469931781212762007-05-24T11:34:00.000-07:002007-05-24T11:56:23.425-07:00Biff is Back!!!<div style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN-BOTTOM: 10px; MARGIN-LEFT: 10px"><a title="What Would Biff Say" href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com"><img height="100" alt="Biff is Back!!!" src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/72/172862753_f41743a7f2_t.jpg" width="81" /></a><br /><span style="MARGIN-TOP: 1px;font-size:10;" ><a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">Guess who finally<br />checked in?</a><br />Uploaded by <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/biffbio.html">Biff Humble</a> </span></div><br /><strong>Editor's Note:<br />Dear Readers,<br />I received the following note and manuscript in a crumpled DHL envelope this week:</strong><em><br /></em><br /><em>Dear R.F. Peons:<br /><br />I have tried to remain incognito and let you jokers run things while I was doing research for my new college psychology textbook,</em> <strong>The Three Feminine Personality Types</strong><em>. But I can no longer stand to watch you pussy-up my column! Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT under any circumstances post any more of your namby-pamby limp-writsted liberal advice on MY BLOG! Enclosed is an entry for <strong>What Would Biff Say?</strong><br /><br />Also attached is a commentary which is to be posted immediately on Alfalfa Was Right. <a href="http://alfalfawasright.blogspot.com/2007/05/biff-is-back.html">(Click here to read Biff's rant on Private Equity buyouts)</a> <br /><br />Oh, by the way, my shit better be where I left it when I return,and keep your damn hands of Darla!<br /><br />Biff<br /></em><br /><br /><div style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN-BOTTOM: 10px; MARGIN-LEFT: 10px"><p><a title="What Would Biff Say" href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/227/512436909_d2c375ba3d_m.jpg" width="240" height="174" alt="openmouth" /></a><br /><span style="MARGIN-TOP: 1px;font-size:10;" ><a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/direct.html">Your first acting lesson:<br />Be sure to open your mouth wide<br />when you speak; no, even wider,<br />and enunciate as you repeat:<br />"I oont ohhh eee a acwess."</a></span></div><br /><strong>Dear Biff:</strong><br /><br />I want to be an actress more than anything in the whole, wide world. The problem is, my parents are dead-set against it. They think I'm too "smart" to be an actress, and that acting is too risky a career path.<br /><br />But I love theatre, and am determined to do this. I don't want to do it behind my parents' backs, but if they insist, I'm just going to pack my stuff and head to Hollywood.<br /><br />What can I say to convince them?<br /><br /><em>signed<br /><strong>Desiring a lead role</strong></em><br /><br /><strong>Dear Drama Queen</strong><br /><br />First off, I think your parents are wrong that you are too "smart" to be an actress. Just the fact that you want to be an actress proves you aren't too smart.<br /><br />Second, Hollywood is already full of actresses. Only there, they call them "waitresses."<br /><br />Your parents are correct that acting is a risky career path. You will face incredible competition for parts, and will have to prove that you are better than all the rest.<br /><br />How do you do this?<br /><br />Well, you must learn to enunciate very well. Even when you have your mouth full. Go visit your dentist, ask him to put as many dental instruments into your mouth as will fit, and then keep repeating, "I want to be an actress." Don't be surprised if it comes out nearly unintelligible and sounding like "I oont ooohh eeee a acwess." But, don't worrry, most casting agents are used to listening to actresses when they have their mouths full.<br /><br />Oh, and practice it on your knees, as well.<br /><br />I hope this helps.<br /><br /><br /><em>-Biff Humble<br />May 21, 2007<br />from a bar in<br />Karst, Slovenia</em><br /><br /><a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/direct.html">BUY OUR BOOKS!</a>James Hitchcockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11568297017339064993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36198495.post-63339486477479974432007-04-16T13:37:00.000-07:002007-04-16T14:02:36.607-07:00Lizzie Borden Meets Lorena Bobbit<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com" title="What Would Biff Say?"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/173/368994750_5b67b5699e_t.jpg" width="81" height="100" alt="biffmissing" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 1px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">Where in the World<br /> is Biff Humble?</a><br /> Uploaded by <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/jimbio.html">James Hitchcock</a> </span></div><br /><em>Dear Readers,<br/>While we search for Biff, our editorial director has offered to step into Biff's shoes, and promises to answer your questions with as much humor and insight as our fearless publisher; however, this one has required much contemplation before responding:</em><br /><br /><div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com" title="What Would Biff Say?"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/218/461939290_699acf3964_m.jpg" width="240" height="168" alt="cucumber_slices" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 1px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/direct.html">This is what my man parts<br />looked like after my divorce<br /> </a></span></div><br /><strong>Dear James</strong><br /><br />I am a single woman, aged 24, and I have a strong desire to pull up along-side a man, any man, walking and take him somewhere and have hot kinky sex with him and then dismember him and leave him to bleed to death. I want to cut off his man parts and watch him scream. Is there anything wrong with that?<br /><br /><em>Carrie</em><br /><br /><strong>Dear Lorena,</strong><br /><br />Wow.<br /><br />Ummmmm ... I'm really not sure what to say, other than, "don't."<br /><br />Unless, of course, you are speaking figuratively, in which case you should always wait until you marry him before you cut off a man's balls.<br /><br />How about this one, readers? Any suggestions? Please leave comments, because I'm at a loss here.<br /><br /><em> I hope this helps,<br /><strong>James</strong></em><br /><br /><em>We are at day 106 of Biff Watch, and we are still asking our loyal readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth. <br /><br />If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to <a href="mailto:jehitch@redflagpublishing.com">jehitch@redflagpublishing.com</a>, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.<br /><br /><br />Thanks,<br /><a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/jimbio.html">James Hitchcock</a><br />Editorial Director<br />Red Flag Publishing</em><br /><br />Oh, and PLEASE ... <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/direc.html">CHECK OUT OUR CHEAP DOWNLOADS!</a>James Hitchcockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11568297017339064993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36198495.post-23484057453165209992007-03-20T17:17:00.000-07:002007-03-20T17:26:23.237-07:00She Wants Variety<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com" title="What Would Biff Say?"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/173/368994750_5b67b5699e_t.jpg" width="81" height="100" alt="biffmissing" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 1px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">Where in the World<br /> is Biff Humble?</a><br /> Uploaded by <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/jimbio.html">James Hitchcock</a> </span></div><br /><em>Dear Readers,<br/>While we search for Biff, our editorial director has offered to step into Biff's shoes, and promises to answer your questions with as much humor and insight as our fearless publisher; however, for some reason, the letters have dried up since he started answering them. But, finally, we've received a couple queries. Here's the first addressed to him:</em><br /><br /><div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com" title="What Would Biff Say?"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/158/428655046_6d664f5af8_m.jpg" width="240" height="180" alt="lips" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 1px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">What do you like to spread<br />on your English Muffin?<br /> </a></span></div><br /><strong>Dear James</strong><br /><br />My husband and I have been married for a little over four years, and lately, I've been fantasizing about having sex with other men. I'd like to have one night stands with lots of different men, but I would never want my husband to be upset, so I think he should do the same (with women of course). I just don't know how to approach him on this for fear he may become upset and accuse me of wanting to cheat on him. What should I do?<br /><br /><em>Play Misty for Me</em><br /><br /><strong>Dear Misty,</strong><br /><br />Whenever you start to feel these urges, you should pull out your marriage license, and remember the vows you took four years ago. It's O.K. to fantasize about other men, you just shouldn't act on it. Maybe you two could play dress-up to help the fantasy?<br /><br />Just don't do what my ex girlfriend did, and keep calling me by my best friend's name ...<br /><br />Ironically, they are living together now. I guess when she calls out, "Alan! Alan!" he won't even realize she's yelling someone else's name.<br /><br />In a way, you remind me of the wife of this artist who works at our comics company, only she wants to try lots of different kinds of food, which, I suppose is not as bad as wanting to try lots of different men.<br /><br />But it does start to bug me after a while, when she keeps asking me, "Do you like seafood?" and I say, "Yes," and she says, "How about clams?" Then she will come up to me and ask, "Do you like Mexican food?" and I say, "Yes," and she asks me, "How about tacos?" <br /><br />She must not be too bright, because almost certainly if I like seafood I would like clams, and tacos if I liked Mexican food. Logic is so often lost on women.<br /><br />But, what bugs me most is when she comes up and says, "Do you like food from Great Britain?" and I will say, "Yes," and she will ask me, "Would you like to spread my English Muffin?"<br /><br />Now, first of all, I'm really busy with Biff gone, and hardly have time to help her make her breakfast. And second, how would I know what she wants on her English Muffin?<br /><br />Sometimes girls can be so irritating.<br /><br />If it weren't for that cute English accent she has, I don't know if I could stand to be around her.<br /><br /><em> I hope this helps,<br /><strong>James</strong></em><br /><br /><em>We are at day 79 of Biff Watch, and we are still asking our loyal readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth. <br /><br />If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to <a href="mailto:jehitch@redflagpublishing.com">jehitch@redflagpublishing.com</a>, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.<br /><br /><br />Thanks,<br /><a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/jimbio.html">James Hitchcock</a><br />Editorial Director<br />Red Flag Publishing</em><br /><br />Oh, and PLEASE ... <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">BUY OUR BOOKS!</a>James Hitchcockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11568297017339064993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36198495.post-10904525986167790952007-02-22T09:19:00.000-08:002007-02-22T09:45:33.183-08:00My Girlfriend Came Out of the Closet!<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com" title="What Would Biff Say?"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/173/368994750_5b67b5699e_t.jpg" width="81" height="100" alt="biffmissing" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 1px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">Where in the World<br /> is Biff Humble?</a><br /> Uploaded by <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/jimbio.html">James Hitchcock</a> </span></div><br /><em>Dear Readers,<br/>While we search for Biff, our editorial director has offered to step into Biff's shoes, and promises to answer your questions with as much humor and insight as our fearless publisher ...</em><br /><br /><br /><br /><div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com" title="What Would Biff Say?"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/163/398872532_0e260e6191_m.jpg" width="152" height="240" alt="Coming out of the Closet" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 1px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">Why do women always say that<br />they are coming out of the closet<br /> when they break up with me?</a></span></div><br /><strong>Dear Biff</strong><br /><br />I don't know what to do.<br /><br />Last night at a party, one of my friends told me he opened the closet to get his coat, and he found my girlfriend, on her knees, in front of a man, who was holding her head.<br /><br />I rushed out to the living room just in time to see my girlfriend coming out of the closet with Steve, a friend of ours, sort of ... really more of an acquaintance than a friend. Sort of a friend of a friend, really. You see, there's this librarian I know, who introduced me to Steve ... well, not in person, you see, but over the internet, and we've chatted. So, we had never really met until that night, but he was sort of a friend, I guess. Well, actually, he probably chatted more often with my girlfriend than me, but I still considered him my friend.<br /><br />Well, anyway, I confronted my girlfriend, and asked her what was going on.<br /><br />She said that she had lost her earring, and was looking in the closet in case it had snagged on her scarf.<br /><br />So I asked her what Steve was doing in there with her, holding her head.<br /><br />She said that he saw her looking, and came to help, and was turning her head to where he saw something glittery on the floor.<br /><br />She even said that someone accidentally closed the door while they were looking for the earring.<br /><br />The thing was, I looked, and she wasn't wearing earrings.<br /><br />So, I became very suspicious that maybe they were fooling around. But it just didn't add up. After all, why would she be on her knees if they were kissing?<br /><br />She tells me there is no reason to be jealous, and that nothing was happening, but if I would just give her a pearl necklace once in a while, she might not lose her earrings so often.<br /><br />I just don't see how buying her more jewelry will keep her from losing her earrings. It seems like the more jewelry she has, the more likely she is to lose it.<br /><br />And, I still keep getting this weird feeling that something just wasn't right.<br /><br /><br /><em>Signed,<br /><br /><strong>Wondering</strong></em><br /><em>(Note: I've been told to change the names to protect the anonymity of our readers - James)</em><br /><br /><strong>Dear Mr. Dumas,</strong><br /><br />I think you are overreacting to what was probably a very innocent situation.<br /><br />Obviously, if your girlfriend was on her knees looking for an earring, she couldn't have been kissing Steve.<br /><br />And, of course she wasn't wearing earrings - she told you she lost them!<br /><br />Are you always so jealous of your girlfriend? Let me tell you from experience that nothing can turn off a woman more quickly than jealousy. One of my ex-girlfriends broke up with me when I accused her of messing around under similar circumstances to your own. During a party, I found her in our bed, under a pile of coats, with one of my friends. I yelled and yelled at her. But then she explained that she had her hands in his pants to help him look for his wallet, and I felt really stupid. I apologized, but she left me anyway.<br /><br />You would think I would have learned, but I accused my next girlfriend of messing around because she kept sneaking into the men's bathroom at our favorite pub - when there were guys in there! She told me that it was just because there was a line in the women's restroom, and she couldn't hold it. And, all the guys in there vouched for her, too.<br /><br />So, I finally learned my lesson about being jealous. I think you should give your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt here, and tell her you are sorry for being so jealous.<br /><br />But, just to double check my opinion, I asked Darla what she thought. She agreed with me, and said you should also give her that pearl necklace she wanted, to prove you were sorry.<br /><br />Funny thing is, she said with Biff gone, she could use a pearl necklace, but I just don't have that kind of money laying around, and I wouldn't want my boss to get jealous because I bought his girlfriend jewelry.<br /><br /><em>I hope this helps,<br /><br /><strong>James</strong></em><br /><br /><br /><em>We are at day 54 of Biff Watch, and we are still asking our loyal readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth. <br /><br />If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to <a href="mailto:jehitch@redflagpublishing.com">jehitch@redflagpublishing.com</a>, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.<br /><br /><br />Thanks,<br /><a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/jimbio.html">James Hitchcock</a><br />Editorial Director<br />Red Flag Publishing</em><br /><br />Oh, and PLEASE ... <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">BUY OUR BOOKS!</a>James Hitchcockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11568297017339064993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36198495.post-27667223977305218832007-02-16T14:07:00.000-08:002007-02-16T14:10:44.951-08:00I want a baby; he doesn't!<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com" title="What Would Biff Say?"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/173/368994750_5b67b5699e_t.jpg" width="81" height="100" alt="biffmissing" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 1px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">Where in the World<br /> is Biff Humble?</a><br /> Uploaded by <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/jimbio.html">James Hitchcock</a> </span></div><br /><em>Dear Readers,<br/>While we search for Biff, our editorial director has offered to step into Biff's shoes, and promises to answer your questions with as much humor and insight as our fearless publisher ...</em><br /><br /><br /><br /><div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com" title="What Would Biff Say?"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/164/392382387_4e42bc0aa7_m.jpg" width="215" height="240" alt="happyfamilyLR" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 1px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">Every man loves babies</a><br /> </span></div><br /><br /><strong>Dear Biff</strong><br /><br />I've been married to a wonderful man for two years and we are very happy. I'm 34, he's 41. It's my first marriage, his second, and he has two children that he has raised on his own. Before we became engaged, he said he didn't want any more children. I didn't either, at the time.<br /><br />But now, all I can think about is having a baby. We've talked and talked about it, and he sticks to his guns. He says that he's already been through that part of his life, and I knew that going into the marriage. He says he's too old, that it would cost to much to raise another child, and that it would take too much time away from us as a couple.<br /><br />I love this man dearly, but I desperately want a child. How can I get him to change his mind?<br /><br /><em>Signed,<br /><br /><strong>Marion in Mattawan</strong></em><br /><br /><br /><strong>Dear Marion,</strong><br /><br />I just don't understand why your husband wouldn't want to have more children. Children are great. I wish I had more of them.<br /><br />Your husband probably just doesn't know yet that he wants another baby. Just keep bringing up the subject (at least five or six times a day), and eventually, he'll come around.<br /><br />If he doesn't, you could either threaten to never have sex with him again, or "accidentally" forget to take your birth control.*<br /><br />I'm sure that once you were pregnant, he would be deliriously happy.<br /><br /><em>I hope this helps,<br /><br /><strong>James</strong></em><br /><br />*Biff would probably have offered to inseminate you in many different ways at this point of the letter, so in an effort to be humorous, I will say that if your husband doesn't give in, I will offer to visit the local sperm bank and leave a deposit while thinking lewd and lascivious thoughts about you. You can then make arrangements to pick up the sample, and use it to become pregnant. But, if you do so, I would like to be a part of the baby's life, even if he (I'm already calling the baby "he") doesn't know that I'm really the father. You can just call me "Uncle Jim."<br /><br /><br /><em>We are at day 47 of Biff Watch, and a reader reported seeing Biff in Sloppy Joe's Bar in Key West. We don't have any photographic corroboration, but it sounds like the kind of place he'd hang out.<br /><br />We are still asking our loyal readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth. <br /><br />If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to <a href="mailto:jehitch@redflagpublishing.com">jehitch@redflagpublishing.com</a>, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.<br /><br />Please, we need your help. <br /><br />Thanks,<br /><a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/jimbio.html">James Hitchcock</a><br />Editorial Director<br />Red Flag Publishing</em><br /><br />Oh, and PLEASE ... <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">BUY OUR BOOKS!</a>James Hitchcockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11568297017339064993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36198495.post-72388906175038790632007-02-15T12:48:00.001-08:002007-02-16T14:12:11.393-08:00I like fresh-caught crabs<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com" title="What Would Biff Say?"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/173/368994750_5b67b5699e_t.jpg" width="81" height="100" alt="biffmissing" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 1px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">Where in the World<br /> is Biff Humble?</a><br /> Uploaded by <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/jimbio.html">James Hitchcock</a> </span></div><br /><em>Dear Readers,<br/>While we search for Biff, our editorial director has offered to step into Biff's shoes, and promises to answer your questions with as much humor and insight as our fearless publisher ...</em><br /><br /><br /><br /><div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com" title="What Would Biff Say?"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/175/391362136_aa964b1368_m.jpg" width="240" height="163" alt="Crab_xLR" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 1px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">Crabs are easy to find<br/>in New Jersey</a><br /> </span></div><br /><br /><strong>Dear Biff</strong><br /><br />I am from the midwest, and will be vactioning out east this spring, and I was wondering if you can tell me where I can catch crabs in New Jersey?<br /><br /><em>Signed,<br /><br /><strong>Matt, from Battle Creek</strong></em><br /><br /><br /><strong>Dear Matt,</strong><br /><br />My friend <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/joebio.html">Joe Willy</a> called a friend who lives in Mt. Laurel, New Jersey, and he says, "On just about any street corner."<br /><br />I'm not sure what this means, but Joe assures me it's very funny.<br /><br /><em>I hope this helps,<br /><br /><strong>James</strong></em><br /><br /><br /><em>We are at day 45 of Biff Watch, and our most recent reader sighting was near the Horn of Africa.<br /><br />We are still asking our loyal readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth. <br /><br />If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to <a href="mailto:jehitch@redflagpublishing.com">jehitch@redflagpublishing.com</a>, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.<br /><br />Please, we need your help. The really scary guy in sunglasses and a black sedan came back and he said,<br/><br/><em><strong>"Tell dat Daisy boozehound he's in da dutch wit Shy. Da big man don't care dat Biff's on a nut, he wants his vig for them Gs Biff put down on da bangtails, and if Biff don't cough up the cabbage soon,"</strong></em> he'd be <em><strong>"back with Roscoe, and dey'd start spittin' metal." </strong></em>And, he said, <em><strong>"Chin-time was done; even tho day useta drink from da same bottle when day was in da bit, bizness was bizness,"</strong></em> and Biff <em><strong>"better be heeled next time I sees him, or he'll end up aired out in a Chicago overcoat,"</strong></em> and that he <em><strong>"didn't care what schmoes went on da trip wit him."</strong></em><br /><br />At least that's what I think he said, I was writing as fast as I could, and when I asked the guy to repeat himself, he said,<br/><br/><em><strong>"Ya dumb as well as queer, palooka? I gots no time ta bump guns wit you, jus' give Biff the message, or your tits'll be in da wringer, too."</strong></em><br /><br />I have not idea what any of that means, but I think it has something to do with Biff being gay, or something.<br /><br />Thanks,<br /><a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/jimbio.html">James Hitchcock</a><br />Editorial Director<br />Red Flag Publishing</em><br /><br />Oh, and PLEASE ... <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">BUY OUR BOOKS!</a>James Hitchcockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11568297017339064993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36198495.post-59611125549175676652007-02-05T14:32:00.000-08:002007-02-05T14:51:48.473-08:00Biff Watch, Day 35<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com" title="What Would Biff Say?"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/173/368994750_5b67b5699e_t.jpg" width="81" height="100" alt="biffmissing" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 1px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">Where in the World<br /> is Biff Humble?</a><br /> Uploaded by <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/jimbio.html">James Hitchcock</a> </span></div><br /><em>Our readers have a rather peculiar sense of humor ...</em><br /><br /><br /><strong>Dear readers,</strong><br /><br />Since I posted the entry "Red Flag Publishing needs your help! We can't find our publisher, Biff Humble," we have been flooded with reports of Biff sightings.<br /><br />Some of them are serious, and some of them, -ahem- let's say, not so serious. Unfortunately, those that were not so serious were most likely to include photos:<br /><br /><div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com" title="What Would Biff Say?"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/128/380983019_3e8214ed35_m.jpg" width="180" height="240" alt="notbiff1" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 1px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">I said, "he may be sporting<br /> several days' beard growth"<br /> Not, "He looks like<br /> a homeless John Huston."</a><br /> </span></div><br /><br />Our first photo, from a reader in Boston, appears to be a really old guy who resembles what movie director John Huston might look like were he living on the street for several years and eating rats. This is definitely not Biff, by about 30 years and a thousand lice.<br /><br />Remember, I said Biff "has been gone for more than three weeks," not "he's been living on the streets most of his life."<br /><br /><br /><br /><div style="float: left; margin-right: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com" title="What Would Biff Say?"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/153/380983028_bb59d7990e_m.jpg" width="143" height="240" alt="notbiff2" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 1px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">Biff is not an old<br /> English fart, either</a><br /></span></div><br /><br />Second on the list is one sent by a UK reader. Bad news: Biff is also not some Brit plonker who looks like his idea of a brilliant Saturday night is a six-hour solo piss-up capped by wanking his willie whilst looking at PR glossies of the Queen Mum taped to the loo wall, and fantasizing that he's busting his knackers in her arse.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com" title="What Would Biff Say?"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/173/380983031_ff4c6184bb_t.jpg" width="100" height="96" alt="notbiff3" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 1px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">Another Brit wanker</a><br /></span></div><br />Our next entry, from the Commonwealth of Virginia, is nothing but the image of Sir Walter Raleigh from a tobacco tin.<br /><br />Come on, show some ingenuity, people.<br /><br /><div style="float: left; margin-right: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com" title="What Would Biff Say?"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/156/380983034_c728f0d866_m.jpg" width="240" height="208" alt="notbiff4" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 1px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">Not Biff, either, but getting closer</a><br /></span></div><br />From a reader in Kuwait, we have this wonderful example of ... I'm guessing not active military, but maybe a reservist?<br /><br />While too fat, and a bit too old to be Biff, at least this is a more likely place to find him. But, while Biff does seem to have an affinity for war zones, any place that does not allow alcohol quickly falls from the list of likely locales where he might be found.<br /><br /><br /><br /><div style="float: left; margin-right: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com" title="What Would Biff Say?"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/184/380983036_aa12f2b12a_t.jpg" width="82" height="100" alt="notbiff5" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 1px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">Frosty the Biffman</a><br /></span></div><br /><br />These next two from Midwestern U.S. readers, are really disappointing.<br /><br />Come on.<br /><br /><div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com" title="What Would Biff Say?"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/167/380983042_0b624e3247_t.jpg" width="100" height="92" alt="notbiff6" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 1px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">The "Biff Clause" in our<br /> publishing contracts</a><br /></span></div><br /><br />How much effort did you expend for these entries?<br /><br />15.026 seconds on a Google image search???<br /><br />The holidays are over. Pack away your holly berries 'till next year.<br /><br /><div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com" title="What Would Biff Say?"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/139/380989137_730cf22c98_m.jpg" width="180" height="240" alt="notbiff7" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 1px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">Biff on a cold morning?</a><br /></span></div><br /><br />Our last entry this week is from a reader in Georgia who either completely misunderstood the assignment, or was watching The Squid Billies while reading my post, and missed an important part of the search.<br /><br />I said, Biff is "prone to smoke a pipe," not ...<br /><br />Uhhhhhh, well maybe this reader is actually the most brilliant one of the group (sort of like saying he's the brightest Special Ed student), because <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/darlabio.html">Darla</a> just leaned over my shoulder and said, of the bunch, this photo most closely resembles Biff - at least on a cold morning.<br /><br />So, we are now a month into our Biff Watch (I hear Fox News is working up a logo), and we are no further ahead, thanks to our smartass readers.<br /><br />Again, we are asking you to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth. <br /><br />If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to <a href="mailto:jehitch@redflagpublishing.com">jehitch@redflagpublishing.com</a>, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.<br /><br />Please, we need your help. Our computer nerd has hacked the password to the Cayman Islands bank account, but this really scary guy in sunglasses and a black sedan keeps dropping by to ask for Biff, and he's really creeping me out.<br /><br />Thanks,<br /><em><a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/jimbio.html">James Hitchcock</a><br />Editorial Director<br />Red Flag Publishing</em>James Hitchcockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11568297017339064993noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36198495.post-1169739755425947552007-01-25T07:23:00.000-08:002007-01-25T07:48:16.780-08:00Biff is missing!<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com" title="What Would Biff Say?"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/173/368994750_5b67b5699e_m.jpg" width="161" height="200" alt="biffmissing"style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 1px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">Where in the World is Biff Humble?</a><br /> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/jimbio.html">James Hitchcock</a> </span></div><br /><em>There's trouble in Rivertown!</em><br /><br /><strong>Dear readers,</strong><br /><br />Red Flag Publishing needs your help! We can't find our publisher, Biff Humble.<br /><br />Now, we have grown used to Biff's tendency to disappear for a week or two at a time, but he's been gone for more than three weeks. Plus, he disappeared under somewhat mysterious circumstances (even by Biff's rather peculiar standards).<br /> <br />He was last seen by <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/darlabio.html">Darla</a> celebrating New Year's Eve at L'Ambassade in the Patong suburb of Phuket, Thailand. She has told us that when she met him there, he was drinking tequila shots - and apparently had been for quite some time - with a famous photojournalist friend (whom has asked we not mention his name) that he had worked with in Central America in the '80s.<br /><br />Darla tells us she struck up a conversation with Biff's friend, and, at some point, they decided to go to dinner together. They left Biff with instructions to meet them back at the bar before midnight to ring in the New Year.<br /><br />Darla reports that she and the photojournalist returned to the bar about 11 p.m., but Biff was nowhere to be found. In asking around the bar, they found a waitress who remembered seeing Biff talking with another man whom the waitress described as "fat and ugly, but with a good voice" who was accompanied by two young Asian women in British schoolgirl outfits. The waitress said she saw them leaving the bar together.<br /><br />Darla knows Biff as well (probably better) than we do, so she didn't worry about pursuing the matter. After all, with Biff, some things are better left alone. She continued to celebrate the evening with the photojournalist, figuring they would hook up with Biff in the morning.<br /><br />But, the next morning, Biff did not answer his hotel room door when Darla knocked. When she finally convinced the hotel manager to open the door, they realized there was a problem. She reports that the room contained nothing but the discarded schoolgirl outfits, a couple empty pill vials, and a broken 35mm camera. All of Biff's belongings were gone.<br /><br />Darla and Biff's friend set off to search every bar, back room, and bordello between Phuket and Bankok, but found no trace of Biff. Several ladies remembered seeing Biff, but no one had a clue where he might have gone.<br /><br />So, we are asking our readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth. <br /><br />If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to <a href="mailto:jehitch@redflagpublishing.com">jehitch@redflagpublishing.com</a>, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.<br /><br />Please, we need your help. The bills are piling up, and he's the only one who knows the password to the Cayman Islands bank account.<br /><br />Thanks,<br /><em><a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/jimbio.html">James Hitchcock</a><br />Editorial Director<br />Red Flag Publishing</em>James Hitchcockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11568297017339064993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36198495.post-1167415575981891182006-12-29T10:05:00.000-08:002006-12-29T10:48:56.953-08:00But We Don't Want Kids!<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com" title="What Would Biff Say?"><img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/162/337528192_b0551919a8_m.jpg" width="240" height="169" alt="WWBS-train" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 1px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">There really is no substitute for the phallic<br></br> symbolism of a smoke-spewing steam locomotive</a><br /> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/biffbio.html">Biff Humble</a> </span></div><br /><em>Today, Biff gives us a glimpse into the future</em><br /><br /><br /><strong>Dear Biff,</strong><br /><br />I am getting married soon to a really great guy. We share a lot of goals in life, one of those is that neither of us wants children. We both have college degrees, successful careers, and don't want children to interfere with our climbs up the corporate ladder. On top of that, we are in our 30s and don't want to still be tied down with brats into our late 50s.<br /><br />Family, friends, and acquaintances are always asking us when we're going to start a family. When I tell them that we don't want children, invariably, they lecture us about how wonderful children are and how much we would be missing.<br /><br />Both of us love children. There are nieces and nephews which we enjoy visiting, but "visiting" is the operative word. When we are sick of them, we can leave. We enjoy having the kind of lifestyle where we can travel at the drop of a hat, dine out whenever we like, and work late without worrying about child care.<br /><br />How can we respond to people who question our choice?<br /><br /><em>— Childless by Choice</em><br /><br /><strong>Dear Sophie's Choice,</strong><br /><br />Perhaps your family, friends, and acquaintances simply don't want you to escape from the endless drudgery to which they are enslaved: changing diapers, cooking meals, cleaning up poop, and listening to sniveling little brats whine when they realize they are not the center of the universe.<br /><br />They call it the crab bucket syndrome: If you go out and catch a bucket of crabs, soon one will try to scale the side of the bucket to escape. Rather than encouraging him, his fellow captives will grab at his legs and pull him back into the bucket to ensure he suffers the same fate as the rest of them.<br /><br />And, I can sympathize with them. I'm not sure anyone deserves the kind of happiness that being financially successful and childless would bring to a couple.<br /><br />But, look at this another way: You and your husband both sound like highly-educated, culturally knowledgeable, valuable members of society. A large percentage of couples like yourselves are remaining childless, yet our country still has a birthrate that provides complete replenishment of the population.<br /><br />So, who then is having children?<br /><br />A bunch of cousin-fuckin' morons in Winchester, West Virginia and Hollywood, Florida that think Big Time Wrestling, Larry the Cable Guy, and wine coolers are high culture. How the fuck else can you explain that NASCAR is the fastest growing sport in the country?<br /><br />Add to that the illiterate, uneducated masses that are jumping the fence every day to get here, and you should be able to see the freight train that is looming in the distance, heading straight for you.<br /><br />If not, let me make this clear: At a time when low-skilled, dead-end manufacturing jobs are disappearing faster than beluga caviar at a meeting of the Massachusetts Society of Mayflower Descendants, you are helping to ensure that the segment of our population capable of only such work will continue to grow.<br /><br />In that light, don't you think your decision is just an eensie, weensie bit selfish?<br /><br />I hope this helps.<br /><br /><em>Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Do you have a lot of extra cash to invest in a questionable business venture? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com">Red Flag Publishing</a> to <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">BUY OUR BOOKS!</a></em>James Hitchcockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11568297017339064993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36198495.post-1166220857459074752006-12-15T14:10:00.000-08:002006-12-15T14:18:22.426-08:00They Used to Have a Name for Women Like This ...<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com" title="What Would Biff Say?"><img src="http://static.flickr.com/123/323354510_60a0af98b4_m.jpg" width="240" height="180" alt="How Men See Women in a Bar"style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 1px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">How Men See Women in a Bar</a><br /> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/biffbio.html">Biff Humble</a> </span></div><br /><em>Again, biff finds the silver lining to a very slutty cloud (and we mean "slutty" in its most positive sense of the word).</em><br /><br /><strong><br />Dear Biff</strong><br /><br />I am in a relationship with a woman who has a bunch of guy friends. She had all of these friends when we began dating, so I felt kind of special that I was the one getting laid.<br /><br />But now, a year into it, she still spends a lot of time with these guys. Sometimes it seems like more than she spends with me. She hangs out with them at the bar a lot, and although she swears that nothing has ever happened, she has admitted that several of them have come on to her.<br /><br />I would like to continue seeing her, but I'm feeling more and more insecure about her hanging out with "the guys.'<br /><br />What should I do?<br /><br /><em>Trying to be sympathetic</em><br /><br /><strong>Dear Simp:</strong><br /><br />It's time to face the fact that your girlfriend is a slut.<br /><br />Not just any old, run-of-the-mill slut, she is the worst kind of slut: An attention slut. She's the kind of chick who likes to hang out with guys at the bar who constantly buy her drinks and hang on her every word. Why does she do this? Because it makes her feel special to be the center of attention, and it makes her feel powerful to command her gaggle of men friends like they were a pack of trained poodles. And why would the guys do this? They are hoping to be the one who gets lucky that night.<br /><br />Let me digress here: How do I know that the guys are thinking this? Because they are guys. What other reason would they have to hang around with a woman in a bar? Intellectually stimulating conversation? Yeah, right.<br /><br />Guys hang around women in bars because they hope that with enough liquor in them, the women might suddenly be struck by an attack of the hornies at the same moment in time that their judgment in men is sufficiently dampened to the point that anything standing upright on three legs will do, and they might be the guy lucky enough to be standing next to them when that rare confluence of events happens.<br /><br />Now, back to my main point: Why is your girlfriend the worst type of slut? Because after sucking up all the time, money and conversation that these guys could have been using on some other slut who might actually expose her genitalia to them, your girlfriend goes home and bangs you.<br /><br />But, there is a bright side to having a girlfriend who is an attention slut. It means you don't have to spend your time, money and conversation just to get into her pants. These other guys have spent their whole night priming the pump, and you get to fuck the living hell out of the water.<br /><br />So, what the hell are you complaining about? The worst thing that could happen is that some night she might suddenly be struck by an attack of the hornies at the same moment in time that her judgment in men is sufficiently dampened to the point that anything standing upright on three legs will do.<br /><br />In which case, you just ask her to take a shower before coming to bed.<br /><br />I hope this helps.<br /><br /><em>Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Do you have a lot of extra cash to invest in a questionable business venture? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com">Red Flag Publishing</a> to <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">BUY OUR BOOKS!</a></em>James Hitchcockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11568297017339064993noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36198495.post-1165355347241333702006-12-05T13:39:00.000-08:002006-12-05T13:49:07.253-08:00Help, My Mom Won't Come To Visit!<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com" title="What Would Biff Say?"><img src="http://static.flickr.com/100/315155701_65884b4835.jpg" width="400" height="266" alt="The sign I put up when mother-in-law visits" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 1px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">The sign I put up when my mother-in-law visits</a><br /> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/biffbio.html">Biff Humble</a> </span></div><br /><em>Today, Biff ... ummmmm ... well, he thinks ... uhhhh, that is, he wonders ... well, just read on, and see for yourself:</em><br /><br /><strong>Dear Biff,</strong><br /><br />I am at the end of my wits.<br /><br />My husband and my mother have never gotten along well, but during my parent's last visit, things got uglier than usual.<br /><br />My mother has always been outspoken, and she made some critical comments about my husband. He responded, telling her that if she found his company so displeasurable, she needn't force herself to endure it, and could ease her pain very simply: by leaving his house.<br /><br />Of course, she stalked out. She then made my father cut short their visit by several days, and returned home (they live about a thousand miles away).<br /><br />So, now the problem: the holidays are approaching, and my parents always fly out to visit us for the week between Christmas and New Year's Day. But, my mother phoned me this week to say that this year they would not be traveling to see us.<br /><br />This will be the first year in our 15-year marriage that we have not spent the holidays together. What should I do?<br /><br /><em>Signed,<br /><br />Hoping for a reconciliation</em><br /><br /><strong>Dear Hope,</strong><br /><br />Let me see if I understand this correctly:<br /><br />For the first time in 15 years, your husband does not have to spend his Christmas holiday being insulted in his own home by your overly critical, hypersensitive, domineering mother.<br /><br />I don't see any problem here.<br /><br />Next question?<br /><br />I hope this helps.<br /><br /><em>Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Do you have a lot of extra cash to invest in a questionable business venture? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com">Red Flag Publishing</a> to <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">BUY OUR BOOKS!</a></em>James Hitchcockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11568297017339064993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36198495.post-1164232494607369552006-11-22T13:49:00.000-08:002006-11-22T14:07:30.346-08:00Good Girls Pretend They Don't<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com" title="What Would Biff Say?"><img src="http://static.flickr.com/111/303767399_4d490133ca_m.jpg" width="240" height="119" alt="alcohol" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 1px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">Candy is dandy, but liquor's quicker</a><br /> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/biffbio.html">Biff Humble</a> </span></div><br /><em>Today, Biff provides women with a bit of information they should all know, but don't ... or are they just pretending?</em><br /><br /><strong>Dear Biff,</strong><br /><br />I am a female college student in a long-distance relationship with a guy from my hometown. My question for you is, when do I tell guys I meet here that I am in a relationship?<br /><br />I've met some great guys here at college, but I'm not sure if they are interested in dating me or just being friends. I don't want to bring up that I'm in a relationship too soon, or wait so long that it's awkward.<br /><br />What should I do?<br /><br /><em>Signed,<br />Debating the Issue</em><br /><br /><strong>Dear Deb,</strong><br /><br />Either you are really stupid, or you think I am.<br /><br />First off, just in case you really are stupid: any guy at college who walks up to you and says, "Hi," wants to sleep with you. If he doesn't, he is either queer, or you are fat and ugly.<br /><br />Wait a minute, I take that back. If he doesn't want to sleep with you, he must be queer, because college guys will sleep with you even if you are fat and ugly. They'll just get drunk first.<br /><br />Wait a minute, I take that back. They'll probably get drunk first even if you are as hot as Heidi Klum with tits as big as Lindsey Lohan. After all, they're college guys.<br /><br />So, with that out of the way, do you think I'm stupid?<br /><br />You aren't hanging out with "some great guys here at college" just to make new friends, any more than they are.<br /><br />The best time to tell a guy you are in a relationship is right after he pulls his penis out of your vagina for the last time (post giganticus climacticus for you pre-med students). That way, he won't feel guilty when he gets up in the middle of the night, and sneaks out half-dressed. Which, by the way, he was going to do anyway. But, by telling him you are in a relationship post-coitus, you have dispensed with that awkward moment when he has to say, "I'll call you," when he has absolutely no intention to do so, and prevented him from feeling that ever-so-slight tinge of guilt when he sees you at the bar next weekend.<br /><br />You know that moment: When you are chatting up another "great guy from college," and he's utilizing alcohol to work his way into the pants of some other drunken co-ed, and you see each other across the room.<br /><br />That moment when you think to yourself, "You know, he was kind of nice, I wonder if he liked me?" and he thinks, "Oh, yeah, I tapped that!"<br /><br />I hope this helps.<br /><br /><em>Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Are you willing to provide free room and board without expecting sex in return? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. Unless you said, "yes" to that part about not expecting sex in return. I was just kidding about that. And visit <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com">Red Flag Publishing</a></em>James Hitchcockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11568297017339064993noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36198495.post-1163803584825662592006-11-17T14:34:00.000-08:002006-11-17T14:57:22.940-08:00Any Nice Guys With Big Dicks Out There?<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com" title="What Would Biff Say?"><img src="http://static.flickr.com/102/299667620_f6a9326366_m.jpg "width="140" height="240" alt="Do I shave? Baby, it's as smooth as a baby down there ..." style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 1px;"> <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">Do I shave? Baby, it's as smooth as a baby down there ...<br/>In fact, it's like I was made of plastic.</a> <br /> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com/biffbio.html">Biff Humble</a>. </span></div><br /><br /><em> Finally, a reader reaches out for Biff's helpful hand, and Biff comes out of his Percocet-induced coma long enough to answer, albeit somewhat incoherently...</em><br /><br /><strong>Dear Biff</strong><br /><br />I've rekindled a relationship with a boyfriend who is fun, kind, gentle, generous, and very loving. I can see spending my life with him, except for one thing: he's not well-endowed; he's not got enough junk to fill my trunk; his burger is on the dollar menu; he's up my creek without a paddle, if you get my drift.<br /><br />I knew this before we got back together, but thought I could get over this hump, so to speak. I don't need John Holmes, but I would like someone who can push the envelope a bit. <br /><br />I realize sex is not the most important thing in life, but sometimes I want someone who can fill my needs, nudge, nudge; wink wink; knowhatimean?<br /><br />I'd like to get past this issue, but it's just such a little stickler.<br /><br /><em>signed,<br />Valley of the Doll-Sized Penis</em><br /><br /><strong>Dear Val,</strong><br /><br />I, ummmm, I think, ahhhhhh, well, ummmmmmm ...<br /><br />I'm sorry, I'm just not sure what you mean when you say "sex is not the most important thing in life."<br /><br />But, let's dismiss that point for a moment.<br /><br />First, let's try to find out if the problem is actually HIS ...<br /><br />Do guys ever tie a 2x4 across their ass before making love to you? Anybody ever lose their keys in there? Any dates every mysteriously disappear while going down on you?<br /><br />If you've answered no to at least one of these questions, we will assume your high school nickname wasn't "Canyon C*nt."<br /><br />So, how do you deal with a man who comes up short?<br /><br />Think about all the guys you've dated who had big dicks. What's the one thing they all had in common?<br /><br />They were assholes, weren't they? You know why? Because they can be. You don't have to be nice when you've got great big amounts in the place where it counts. Scientific studies have shown the assholeishness in men is directly related to the size of their penis.<br /><br />Want proof? Just look at me. Have you ever seen a bigger asshole?<br /><br />I thought not.<br /><br />So, maybe we were made for each other, baby ...<br /><br />But, if you want a guy who is "fun, kind, gentle, generous, and very loving," you gotta be prepared to settle for living in a walk-up flat instead of a skyscraper penthouse.<br /><br />And, there is always Vaginal Rejuvenation Surgery (think I'm kidding? Google it, fuckers!) to help you regain that tight 16-year-old cheerleader feeling.<br /><br />I hope this helps.<br /><br /><em>Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Are you looking for a freeloader to provide free room and board to without him providing sex in return? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. Unless you are not looking for sex in return ... Visit <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com">Red Flag Publishing</a> and <a href="www.redflagpublishing.com/retailers.html">BUY MY BOOKS!!</a></em>James Hitchcockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11568297017339064993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36198495.post-1163533564000975742006-11-14T11:45:00.000-08:002006-11-14T11:46:04.193-08:00There's a sucker born every minute - but his wife ain't one ...<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/39125773@N00/246905844/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://static.flickr.com/84/246905844_9633060300_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/39125773@N00/246905844/">And my ex-wife said I was a jackass ...</a> <br /> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/39125773@N00/">biffhumble69</a>. </span></div><em>Dear Readers: Sorry I've been away, but my sense of the passage of time has become a bit distorted since I started gobbling percocet like they were peanut M&Ms ... for some reason the letters have dried up momentarily - I can't imagine why, considering my incredible ability to provide relationship adivce, but, here's one I borrowed, and improved much on the original advice:</em><br /><br />Dear Biff,<br /><br />My wife and I married about three months ago and had dated for almost three and a half years before getting married. We both believe sex is for marriage only and abstained during our relationship. She is a virgin. I am not (I made my abstinence decision later in life). <br /><br />It was hard to keep my hands to myself while we dated, but I could do it partly because I knew marriage was on the horizon. Here's the problem: We have still never had sex. <br /><br />For the first weeks of marriage, we did many things but not that. Since then, there've been scattered moments of intimacy with her that usually end with her getting frustrated that she isn't as experienced in this area as I am, despite my best attempts to tell her how wonderful she is. The last such attempt was a few weeks ago. She says that she does not want to have sex no matter what I say. <br /><br />We did discuss this before marriage and I was under the impression that it would happen. In fact, she even thought it would happen during the honeymoon. Every time we tried, she freaked out and started to cry. I don't know what to do. She refuses to see a counselor or a therapist. <br /><br />I'm almost to the point where I don't even want to try to initiate anymore because I get so frustrated that nothing happens. I love her with all of my heart. I want to be able to share the kind of intimacy with her that sex brings and I don't know what to do. I find myself getting angry and bitter any time I see anything on TV or anywhere about a couple having sex.<br /><br />--Frustrated Husband<br /><br />Dear Frustrated:<br /><br />Have you ever heard the old story about free milk and a cow? Sounds like you bought a bum steer.<br /><br />They used to have a name for guys like you.<br /><br />It was "SUCKER."<br /><br />But, on the brighter side, I've just started a new restaurant you might like. It's a steak house where you can pick out the exact cut of meat you want, watch the chef cook it over our wood-fired grill, the waitress brings it out with a beautiful presentation, and holds it under your nose so you can smell aroma of the perfectly grilled beef. Then, when you begin salivating so much you are afraid you may begin to drool, she takes it away and brings you a bill for $137.64.<br /><br />Seriously, what the hell are you still doing there? We all know that the only thing women bring to the table in a relationship is sex, so if you ain't gettin' any of that, you might as well be offering your freeloading cousin Darryl free room and board instead of your wife (Unless, of course, she has a sizable trust fund, but I've dealt with that subject before).<br /><br />Boot her ass to the curb and consider this a lesson learned: DON'T, under any circumstances, keep your hands off the next one while dating. Get whatever you can while she's still trying to sink the hook into you, because once you put that ring on her finger, all bets are off, and the well's gonna dry up mighty fast.<br /><br />There's another old joke out there you may have heard: <br /><br />Q: How do you get your girlfriend to stop giving blowjobs?<br /><br />A: Marry her.<br /><br />Hey, the reason we find things humorous is that we can identify with them. That joke wouldn't have lasted this long if there weren't a kernel of truth in it.<br /><br /><em>Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Are you looking for a freeloader to provide free room and board without expecting sex in return? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com">Red Flag Publishing</a></em><br clear="all" />James Hitchcockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11568297017339064993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36198495.post-1163533444509827582006-11-14T11:43:00.000-08:002006-11-14T11:44:04.560-08:00How can I tell if my roomate likes me?<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/39125773@N00/235244680/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://static.flickr.com/83/235244680_4215425e94_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/39125773@N00/235244680/">Betcha think of this entry next time you see some guy wolfing down a corndog at the fair ...</a> <br /> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/39125773@N00/">biffhumble69</a>. </span></div><em>Dear Readers: My how time flies when you are taking high doses of barbituarates. The good news is that, so far, my body hasn't rejected the donor tissue. The even better news is that the plastic surgeon took me at my word that the original length was 13 and one-half inches. Although, it appears they used tissue from several donors of varying ethnicity to achieve that length, and my pole now looks like it belongs in front of a barber shop ... but I digress: Another letter from a reader:</em><br /><br />Dear Biff:<br /> <br /> I recently began having these attractions to my<br />roomate Preston. I've never been attracted to another<br />man before, but lately when I see him with his shirt<br />off or lounging around in his boxer shorts, I get a<br />severe chubby and I have to run and hide.<br /><br /> Preston has lots of "girlfriends" who come over<br />often and I am forced to listen to them making out and<br />"doing it" because my bedroom is right next to his.<br /> <br /> The other day, I installed a hidden camera in his<br />room, aimed at his bed so that I can watch him. I did<br />the same thing in the bathroom so I could see him in<br />the shower.<br /><br />But, I've found that just watching isn't enough.<br /><br />I want to go and kiss him and tell him about my<br />feelings, but I'm afraid of being rejected, and losing<br />my friend and apartment.<br /> <br />What should I do?<br /><br />Chubby's gonna burst!!!<br /><br />Dear Chub:<br /><br />There's only one way to determine if Preston plays on both teams.<br /><br />I learned this little trick way back in church camp. When he goes to sleep tonight, first warm up a hot dog to body temperature (I like to use Ball Park Franks, but that's just a personal preference).<br /><br />Next stand in front of your sleeping roommate and drop your pants to your ankles.<br /><br />Then, press the hot dog ever so gently between his somnolent lips and into his delicate mouth, but not so far as to choke him. Soft and gentle is the technique to remember here, as you don't want him to awaken quite yet.<br /><br />As your sleeping amicus de amor begins to stir, you should begin thrusting the hot dog more vigorously, whilst making grunting sounds of love.<br /><br />When your actions finally reach a point as to bring Preston back to consciousness, quickly discard the hot dog, and make a very theatrical effort at pulling up your pants.<br /><br />One of two things will happen: Preston will ask you to return the favor, or he will beat the livin' shit out of you.<br /><br />Either way, you will know the answer to your heart's question.<br /><br />Good luck,<br /><br />Biff<br /><br />p.s. Please tell me you have a video recorder attached to those spy cameras, and that you will make the tapes available on the internet!<br /><br /><em>Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Do you really, really like hot dogs? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com">Red Flag Publishing</a></em><br clear="all" />James Hitchcockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11568297017339064993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36198495.post-1163533358827024292006-11-14T11:42:00.000-08:002006-11-14T11:42:38.846-08:00Is it Hot in Here?<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/39125773@N00/221325227/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://static.flickr.com/60/221325227_80464c4550_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/39125773@N00/221325227/">Sweaty McPitts Wants a Man</a> <br /> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/39125773@N00/">biffhumble69</a>. </span></div><em>Dear Readers: I apologize for my absence, but I caught a little bug at a bar in Bangkok that required some really heavy-duty antibiotics and some reconstructive surgery (they got spirochetes over there that will make the tip of your appendage rot and fall off!). But, I'm back, with a letter from a reader:</em><br /><br />Dear Biff:<br /><br /> I am 17 years old and have never had a real<br />boyfriend or even been kissed. People make fun of me<br />because I'm weird. I am not rich and can't afford to<br />dress in style. Most of my clothes come from Kmart or<br />Goodwill.<br /><br /> I have pimples everywhere and suffer from severe<br />Hyperhydrosis, which means I sweat a lot. My face is<br />always wet and my forehead is always dripping and I<br />smell terrible all the time.<br /> <br /> No one wants to be my friend because they think I'm<br />gross. I've been called Sweaty McPitts, Sweatzilla and<br />Pricess Smellsalot. I can't change schools and my<br />parents wont let me drop out.<br /><br /> Ugh!!! I hate myself! What should I do? I want to<br />be normal and have a boyfriend like all the other<br />girls my age. I want to get laid too damnit! What<br />advice can you offer a poor swetty girl such as myself?<br /><br />Dear Sweaty McPitts:<br /><br />First, realize that everyone hates themselves. It's part of the human condition.<br /><br />Second, realize that there is a special support group for everyone that hates themselves. It meets every day at 5 p.m. in a place called a "bar."<br /><br />Third, realize that there is medicine available to deal with all of your physical shortcomings that is easily available without a prescription. It's called "alcohol." They serve it in bars, and it has a progressive effect that will amaze you with how beautiful it can make a girl such as yourself (or a 48-year-old toothless Thai hooker) by about 2 a.m.<br /><br />Your best bet is to wait until close to last call, when all of the really hot chicks (and most of the pretty plain ones) have already left with the Man du Jour, so there will be little to compare you with. Then, stake out a spot at the bar near the ugliest girl you can find, and begin trying to make eye contact with drunk guys.<br /><br />If my theory holds true <a href="http://alfalfawasright.blogspot.com/2006/05/do-you-hate-celine-dion-as-much-as-i.html">(that any woman can go into a bar and leave with a guy any night),</a> you will get lucky.<br /><br />Just bathe in perfume before hand, and let him get on top, so you don't drip sweat all over him (or do it in a hot tub).<br /><br />Just be sure to leave before he wakes up semi-sober, so he will continue to think you were as beautiful as he thought you were when he was blotto. Trust me, there were a few times I considered chewing my own arm off to get away from a woman who looked dramatically different at 8 a.m. than she did at 2 a.m. the night before.<br /><br />You can even do what most women do, and post a picture of a really hot chick that bears little resemblance to you on your Yahoo singles profile, and then IM him about what a great time you had, and offer to meet him again at 2 a.m. the next weekend.<br /><br />Good luck!<br /><br /><em>Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com">Red Flag Publishing</a></em><br clear="all" />James Hitchcockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11568297017339064993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36198495.post-1163533285373897402006-11-14T11:41:00.000-08:002006-11-14T11:41:25.376-08:00Girlfriends, Carrots, and German Literature<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/39125773@N00/203065239/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://static.flickr.com/72/203065239_ecb666216f_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/39125773@N00/203065239/">Girlfriend's a Head Case</a> <br /> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/39125773@N00/">biffhumble69</a>. </span></div><em>Another letter from a reader!</em><br /><br />Dear Biff,<br /><br />My girlfriend is a head case. What should I do?<br /><br />Wondering<br /><br />Dear Wondering,<br /><br />Whose isn't?<br /><br />Get used to it.<br /><br />As long as she isn't physically or emotionally abusive, or fond of sticking a carrot up your ass while you read "Mein Kampf" aloud, just enjoy the ride.<br /><br />Well, the carrot thing is a personal taste, so you may not mind, but it was a deal-breaker for me.<br /><br /><em>Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com">Red Flag Publishing</a></em><br clear="all" />James Hitchcockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11568297017339064993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36198495.post-1163533200719855682006-11-14T11:39:00.000-08:002006-11-14T11:40:00.733-08:00Two exes and an "Oh!"<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/39125773@N00/198075081/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://static.flickr.com/59/198075081_de37ddfbe1_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/39125773@N00/198075081/">Biffettes inTraining</a> <br /> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/39125773@N00/">biffhumble69</a>. </span></div><em>Boy, they've been coming out of the woodwork recently.</em><br /><br />Dear Biff,<br /><br />I am a 16-year-old girl in love with a 43-year-old man. This isn't the problem; I love him and he loves me, and he's never abused or coerced me into anything. We haven't had sex, even though I wanted to; he wants to make sure that I'm not doing anything I don't really want to. What is the legal status of my relationship? I'm in New Jersey, so what is the age of consent? I am tired of keeping our relationship a secret, but I will if revealing it would get him in trouble. That leads to the other part of my question—if I have to keep it hidden, how do I respond when people ask if I'm involved? I don't want people to think he's a predator, because he isn't.<br /><br />—Not a Victim<br /><br />Dear Vickie:<br /><br />Ixnay on the ovelay alktay. I told you, Biff only dates women who can keep him in the style to which he is accustomed, and your trust fund doesn't mature any faster than you do. (But, call me when you get the first check, O.K. babe?)<br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Biff,<br /><br />I've been divorced for 18 months and have recently become involved with a wonderful man. He's everything I seek in a mate: kind, upstanding, handsome, romantic, witty, and funny. On top of it all, he's independently wealthy and quite generous, a keeper in every sense of the word. Here's the problem. Recently, I have found myself wondering what was so bad about my ex-husband in the first place. I am uniquely poised to rekindle an old flame. Should I share my feelings or let the moment pass?<br /><br />—Bewildered<br /><br />Dear Bea:<br /><br />I told you, Biff only dates women who can keep him in the style to which he is accustomed, and your inheritance ran dry years ago. When you get close enough to this guy to get access to his bank account, give me a call, and we'll do lunch (you're buying, right?)<br /><br /><br />Dear Biff:<br /><br />Fifteen years ago, my high school sweetheart and I broke up. He left town and joined the military. A year or so later, I was at his best friend's house (we were both drunk and drugged up, though that's no excuse), and his best friend and I slept together one time. It wasn't good and we never spoke of it. I went off to college and never saw either of them until 10 years later. My sweetheart and I found each other again, and we married. A few months into our new relationship, I realized that not only does my husband not know about me and his (still) best friend, he would be absolutely furious if he found out. <br /><br />Do I tell my husband? My problem is that I still feel it is dishonest to hide it from him. But how can I destroy a long-term friendship and hurt my husband to make myself feel better? I think about it every single day and feel guilty and anxious.<br /><br />—Between a Rock and a Hard Place<br /><br />Dear Roxie:<br /><br />Don't tell him, the last thing I need is another angry husband after me. Wait a minute, at the time you said it WAS good. And, if it wasn't, why have you kept coming back for more? Are we still on for Thursday? You're buying dinner, right?<br /><br /><em>Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com">Red Flag Publishing</a></em><br clear="all" />James Hitchcockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11568297017339064993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36198495.post-1163533084145866232006-11-14T11:37:00.000-08:002006-11-14T11:38:04.650-08:00Biff and Darla Join Forces<div style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN-BOTTOM: 10px; MARGIN-LEFT: 10px"><a title="photo sharing" href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/39125773@N00/193994533/"><img style="BORDER-RIGHT: #000000 2px solid; BORDER-TOP: #000000 2px solid; BORDER-LEFT: #000000 2px solid; BORDER-BOTTOM: #000000 2px solid" alt="" src="http://static.flickr.com/35/193994533_511d560a39_m.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="MARGIN-TOP: 0px;font-size:0.9em;" ><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/39125773@N00/193994533/">Biff and Darla. Well, actually it's Kevin and Rene, but it looks just like Biff and Darla, except Biff is not as handsome or in such good shape, and Darla is more beautiful.</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/39125773@N00/">biffhumble69</a>. </span></div><em>Dear Readers:<br /><br /><a href="http://howdarlagothergrooveon.blogspot.com/">Darla</a> and I decided to team up on some couple-oriented issues, originally dealt with much less directly in a national women's magazine. And, once again, Darla proves that she's not only damn beautiful and great in bed, but smart as hell, too!</em><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Doggie Duty<br /></span></strong><br /><em>Dear Biff and Darla:<br /></em><br />I want a dog but my wife is against it. I told her that I'll be responsible for walking and feeding him, but she just laughs and says that she knows she'll end up doing the dirty work. I'm not a 6-year-old -- why do I need her permission anyway?<br /><br /><strong>Biff says:</strong> Are you a man, or a pussy? What the hell did you ask her for? Remember, the first rule of marriage is, "It's always easier to ask for forgiveness than permission." Go get your damn dog, and tell her if she doesn't like it, she can take a hike. If she does, consider yourself lucky. The dog will be more loyal to you than she ever was; he will be glad to see you EVERY DAY when you get home from work; he won't be disgusted when you take a stinky bean-burrito-Dos-Equis-and-tequila shit; he won't lecture you for leaving your underwear on the bedroom floor; you will never have to worry about what he really meant, instead of what he said; and he won't even be jealous when you bring home skanky strippers, or tell you "I told you so," when you get the Clap.<br /><br /><strong>Darla says:</strong> So, you think women are high maintenance? Try owning a dog. They are all pooping, peeing, puking bark machines, most of whom have no shame where or when they perform their dastardly deeds. Sorry buddy, but unless you plan to become VERY FRIENDLY with your new pet, I wouldn't recommend pissing off the wife. Better to be a pussy, than to have to beg for it, and believe me, you will be begging. Dogs live a LONG time. However, if you do grow some balls and get a dog, get used to operating a carpet cleaner, scooping lots of shit, and walking your new lover, uh, I mean best friend, in all kinds of nasty weather, while your wife looks on, laughing her ass off....<br /><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">The New Wisteria Lane<br /></span></strong><br /><em>Dear Biff and Darla:<br /></em><br />My husband keeps buying me sexy, skimpy outfits. I'm in good shape but I'm too old to be prancing around suburban parties in micro-minis and too-tight tops. I told him if he wanted a hooker, he shouldn't have married a lady!<br /><br /><strong>Biff says:</strong> Honey, somewhere along the line, you missed the whole Madonna/Whore lesson. Your husband does want a hooker, and if you don't provide him with one, he'll find one on his own. Shut up, dress up, and have some fucking fun for once in your lady-like prissy-ass life, for Christ's sake.<br /><br /><strong>Darla says:</strong> I suggest turning the tables on this selfish dickhead. It's time to invest in some serious leather: a bustier, boots (the pointier the toe, the better); oh, and don't forget the whip, leash, and handcuffs. He wants a whore? Go him one better, tell him you want him to be your sex slave! He'll either be scared shitless, or better yet, get you both off big time. Either way, you're in control, and isn't that the way it should be?<br /><br />Biff says: Leather bustier, pointy boots, and a whip? Ummmm ... say, Darla, are you busy this weekend?<br /><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Safety Crash Course<br /></span></strong><br /><em>Dear Biff and Darla:<br /></em><br />My son wants to get a motorcycle for his high school graduation, and my husband thinks it's a great idea. I'm violently opposed. They're high-fiving each other, and I'm furious. What should I do?<br /><br /><strong>Biff says:</strong> Buy your husband a motorcycle, too, and a big life insurance policy.<br /><br /><strong>Darla says:</strong> At what point in your marriage did you begin to allow your husband to make decisions? That is NEVER a good idea. Ultimately, you hold the trump card. It's located between your legs...<br /><br /><strong>Biff says:</strong> Damn your irrefutable logic, woman!!! Want to play cards later?<br /><br /><em>Need advice on your relationship? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com">Red Flag Publishing</a></em><br clear="all">James Hitchcockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11568297017339064993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36198495.post-1163526885337819052006-11-14T09:54:00.000-08:002006-11-14T09:54:45.340-08:00Two Little Bitches<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/39125773@N00/191892130/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://static.flickr.com/73/191892130_b564300c64_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/39125773@N00/191892130/">Now dear, if you're going to be a bitch, you have to be more subtle."</a> <br /> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/39125773@N00/">biffhumble69</a>. </span></div><em>Here's a couple borrowed from "Dear Abby," but, of course, my advice is more spot-on:</em><br /><br />Dear Biff,<br /><br />My mother says I'm tearing our family apart. On Mother's Day, my eight-year-old daughter teased her nine-year-old cousin, asking, "who'd like my last bite of dessert?" When he said he wanted it, she said, "Just kidding!" My nephew went running into the house wailing like he'd been hit.<br /><br />I was in the middle of telling my daughter what she did was wrong, and she should apologize, when I heard my brother, "Harry," ask my nephew why he was crying. When he heard the reason, Harry said, "Well, she's a little bitch!" I was horrified. My daughter and sister-in-law heard it, too.<br /><br />When I went inside to talk to Harry, he told me he didn't mean it that way, and that he could say anything in his house that he wanted to. My daughter and I left, and I haven't talked to him since.<br /><br />He has apologized to my daughter with numerous justifications for what he said, but he hasn't apologized to me for what he called my daughter and the way he talked to me. We have had two family birthdays since then (including another at Harry's home) and my daughter and I haven't attended either one.<br /><br />My mother is taking Harry's side, saying I'm too sensitive and the word isn't that bad. Am I wrong to think that calling and eight-year-old a "bitch" is horrible, degrading, and uncalled for?<br /><br />-Harry's Sister<br /><br />Dear Hairy Ass:<br /><br />So, let me see if I can sum this up: your daughter, at age eight, is already manipulative and mean-spirited, and causes other people pain for her own enjoyment. Your brother called her on it, but then apologized, but you refuse to forgive him, and are making the entire family pay for his honesty?<br /><br />Sounds like he called the wrong person "bitch."<br /><br />Dear Biff:<br /><br />My brother is ticked off at me because I sing songs all the time. I sing a few lines, and he yells, "Stop!" Each time I make a little noise, he also demands that I stop. It seems like everything I do he tries to stop me from doing.<br /><br />My parents try hard to get him to stop yelling at me, but he won't. I'm getting really frustrated. How can I solve this problem? (By the way, I'm seven.)<br /><br />- Frustrated in Berkley<br /><br />Dear Child of Limp-wristed Liberals:<br /><br />I'm guessing that you are probably the most obnoxious sister there is, constantly singing and making noise and bothering your brother for no reason. Have you tried just shutting the Hell up? That might work.<br /><br />If not, just hit your brother. I've found that violence solves almost all problems. Alcohol solves the rest, but you should wait until you are at least 10 before trying that solution.<br /><br /><em>Need advice on your relationship? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit <a href="http://www.redflagpublishing.com">Red Flag Publishing</a></em><br clear="all" />James Hitchcockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11568297017339064993noreply@blogger.com0