They Used to Have a Name for Women Like This ...

How Men See Women in a Bar
Originally uploaded by Biff Humble

Again, biff finds the silver lining to a very slutty cloud (and we mean "slutty" in its most positive sense of the word).


Dear Biff

I am in a relationship with a woman who has a bunch of guy friends. She had all of these friends when we began dating, so I felt kind of special that I was the one getting laid.

But now, a year into it, she still spends a lot of time with these guys. Sometimes it seems like more than she spends with me. She hangs out with them at the bar a lot, and although she swears that nothing has ever happened, she has admitted that several of them have come on to her.

I would like to continue seeing her, but I'm feeling more and more insecure about her hanging out with "the guys.'

What should I do?

Trying to be sympathetic

Dear Simp:

It's time to face the fact that your girlfriend is a slut.

Not just any old, run-of-the-mill slut, she is the worst kind of slut: An attention slut. She's the kind of chick who likes to hang out with guys at the bar who constantly buy her drinks and hang on her every word. Why does she do this? Because it makes her feel special to be the center of attention, and it makes her feel powerful to command her gaggle of men friends like they were a pack of trained poodles. And why would the guys do this? They are hoping to be the one who gets lucky that night.

Let me digress here: How do I know that the guys are thinking this? Because they are guys. What other reason would they have to hang around with a woman in a bar? Intellectually stimulating conversation? Yeah, right.

Guys hang around women in bars because they hope that with enough liquor in them, the women might suddenly be struck by an attack of the hornies at the same moment in time that their judgment in men is sufficiently dampened to the point that anything standing upright on three legs will do, and they might be the guy lucky enough to be standing next to them when that rare confluence of events happens.

Now, back to my main point: Why is your girlfriend the worst type of slut? Because after sucking up all the time, money and conversation that these guys could have been using on some other slut who might actually expose her genitalia to them, your girlfriend goes home and bangs you.

But, there is a bright side to having a girlfriend who is an attention slut. It means you don't have to spend your time, money and conversation just to get into her pants. These other guys have spent their whole night priming the pump, and you get to fuck the living hell out of the water.

So, what the hell are you complaining about? The worst thing that could happen is that some night she might suddenly be struck by an attack of the hornies at the same moment in time that her judgment in men is sufficiently dampened to the point that anything standing upright on three legs will do.

In which case, you just ask her to take a shower before coming to bed.

I hope this helps.

Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Do you have a lot of extra cash to invest in a questionable business venture? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit Red Flag Publishing to BUY OUR BOOKS!