Any Nice Guys With Big Dicks Out There?

Do I shave? Baby, it's as smooth as a baby down there ...
In fact, it's like I was made of plastic.
Originally uploaded by Biff Humble.

Finally, a reader reaches out for Biff's helpful hand, and Biff comes out of his Percocet-induced coma long enough to answer, albeit somewhat incoherently...

Dear Biff

I've rekindled a relationship with a boyfriend who is fun, kind, gentle, generous, and very loving. I can see spending my life with him, except for one thing: he's not well-endowed; he's not got enough junk to fill my trunk; his burger is on the dollar menu; he's up my creek without a paddle, if you get my drift.

I knew this before we got back together, but thought I could get over this hump, so to speak. I don't need John Holmes, but I would like someone who can push the envelope a bit.

I realize sex is not the most important thing in life, but sometimes I want someone who can fill my needs, nudge, nudge; wink wink; knowhatimean?

I'd like to get past this issue, but it's just such a little stickler.

signed,
Valley of the Doll-Sized Penis

Dear Val,

I, ummmm, I think, ahhhhhh, well, ummmmmmm ...

I'm sorry, I'm just not sure what you mean when you say "sex is not the most important thing in life."

But, let's dismiss that point for a moment.

First, let's try to find out if the problem is actually HIS ...

Do guys ever tie a 2x4 across their ass before making love to you? Anybody ever lose their keys in there? Any dates every mysteriously disappear while going down on you?

If you've answered no to at least one of these questions, we will assume your high school nickname wasn't "Canyon C*nt."

So, how do you deal with a man who comes up short?

Think about all the guys you've dated who had big dicks. What's the one thing they all had in common?

They were assholes, weren't they? You know why? Because they can be. You don't have to be nice when you've got great big amounts in the place where it counts. Scientific studies have shown the assholeishness in men is directly related to the size of their penis.

Want proof? Just look at me. Have you ever seen a bigger asshole?

I thought not.

So, maybe we were made for each other, baby ...

But, if you want a guy who is "fun, kind, gentle, generous, and very loving," you gotta be prepared to settle for living in a walk-up flat instead of a skyscraper penthouse.

And, there is always Vaginal Rejuvenation Surgery (think I'm kidding? Google it, fuckers!) to help you regain that tight 16-year-old cheerleader feeling.

I hope this helps.

Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Are you looking for a freeloader to provide free room and board to without him providing sex in return? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. Unless you are not looking for sex in return ... Visit Red Flag Publishing and BUY MY BOOKS!!