Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Two exes and an "Oh!"

Biffettes inTraining
Originally uploaded by biffhumble69.
Boy, they've been coming out of the woodwork recently.

Dear Biff,

I am a 16-year-old girl in love with a 43-year-old man. This isn't the problem; I love him and he loves me, and he's never abused or coerced me into anything. We haven't had sex, even though I wanted to; he wants to make sure that I'm not doing anything I don't really want to. What is the legal status of my relationship? I'm in New Jersey, so what is the age of consent? I am tired of keeping our relationship a secret, but I will if revealing it would get him in trouble. That leads to the other part of my question—if I have to keep it hidden, how do I respond when people ask if I'm involved? I don't want people to think he's a predator, because he isn't.

—Not a Victim

Dear Vickie:

Ixnay on the ovelay alktay. I told you, Biff only dates women who can keep him in the style to which he is accustomed, and your trust fund doesn't mature any faster than you do. (But, call me when you get the first check, O.K. babe?)

Dear Biff,

I've been divorced for 18 months and have recently become involved with a wonderful man. He's everything I seek in a mate: kind, upstanding, handsome, romantic, witty, and funny. On top of it all, he's independently wealthy and quite generous, a keeper in every sense of the word. Here's the problem. Recently, I have found myself wondering what was so bad about my ex-husband in the first place. I am uniquely poised to rekindle an old flame. Should I share my feelings or let the moment pass?


Dear Bea:

I told you, Biff only dates women who can keep him in the style to which he is accustomed, and your inheritance ran dry years ago. When you get close enough to this guy to get access to his bank account, give me a call, and we'll do lunch (you're buying, right?)

Dear Biff:

Fifteen years ago, my high school sweetheart and I broke up. He left town and joined the military. A year or so later, I was at his best friend's house (we were both drunk and drugged up, though that's no excuse), and his best friend and I slept together one time. It wasn't good and we never spoke of it. I went off to college and never saw either of them until 10 years later. My sweetheart and I found each other again, and we married. A few months into our new relationship, I realized that not only does my husband not know about me and his (still) best friend, he would be absolutely furious if he found out.

Do I tell my husband? My problem is that I still feel it is dishonest to hide it from him. But how can I destroy a long-term friendship and hurt my husband to make myself feel better? I think about it every single day and feel guilty and anxious.

—Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Dear Roxie:

Don't tell him, the last thing I need is another angry husband after me. Wait a minute, at the time you said it WAS good. And, if it wasn't, why have you kept coming back for more? Are we still on for Thursday? You're buying dinner, right?

Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit Red Flag Publishing

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