Good Girls Pretend They Don't

Candy is dandy, but liquor's quicker
Originally uploaded by Biff Humble

Today, Biff provides women with a bit of information they should all know, but don't ... or are they just pretending?

Dear Biff,

I am a female college student in a long-distance relationship with a guy from my hometown. My question for you is, when do I tell guys I meet here that I am in a relationship?

I've met some great guys here at college, but I'm not sure if they are interested in dating me or just being friends. I don't want to bring up that I'm in a relationship too soon, or wait so long that it's awkward.

What should I do?

Signed,
Debating the Issue

Dear Deb,

Either you are really stupid, or you think I am.

First off, just in case you really are stupid: any guy at college who walks up to you and says, "Hi," wants to sleep with you. If he doesn't, he is either queer, or you are fat and ugly.

Wait a minute, I take that back. If he doesn't want to sleep with you, he must be queer, because college guys will sleep with you even if you are fat and ugly. They'll just get drunk first.

Wait a minute, I take that back. They'll probably get drunk first even if you are as hot as Heidi Klum with tits as big as Lindsey Lohan. After all, they're college guys.

So, with that out of the way, do you think I'm stupid?

You aren't hanging out with "some great guys here at college" just to make new friends, any more than they are.

The best time to tell a guy you are in a relationship is right after he pulls his penis out of your vagina for the last time (post giganticus climacticus for you pre-med students). That way, he won't feel guilty when he gets up in the middle of the night, and sneaks out half-dressed. Which, by the way, he was going to do anyway. But, by telling him you are in a relationship post-coitus, you have dispensed with that awkward moment when he has to say, "I'll call you," when he has absolutely no intention to do so, and prevented him from feeling that ever-so-slight tinge of guilt when he sees you at the bar next weekend.

You know that moment: When you are chatting up another "great guy from college," and he's utilizing alcohol to work his way into the pants of some other drunken co-ed, and you see each other across the room.

That moment when you think to yourself, "You know, he was kind of nice, I wonder if he liked me?" and he thinks, "Oh, yeah, I tapped that!"

I hope this helps.

Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Are you willing to provide free room and board without expecting sex in return? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. Unless you said, "yes" to that part about not expecting sex in return. I was just kidding about that. And visit Red Flag Publishing