My Girlfriend Came Out of the Closet!

Where in the World
is Biff Humble?
Uploaded by James Hitchcock

Dear Readers,
While we search for Biff, our editorial director has offered to step into Biff's shoes, and promises to answer your questions with as much humor and insight as our fearless publisher ...

Why do women always say that
they are coming out of the closet
when they break up with me?

Dear Biff

I don't know what to do.

Last night at a party, one of my friends told me he opened the closet to get his coat, and he found my girlfriend, on her knees, in front of a man, who was holding her head.

I rushed out to the living room just in time to see my girlfriend coming out of the closet with Steve, a friend of ours, sort of ... really more of an acquaintance than a friend. Sort of a friend of a friend, really. You see, there's this librarian I know, who introduced me to Steve ... well, not in person, you see, but over the internet, and we've chatted. So, we had never really met until that night, but he was sort of a friend, I guess. Well, actually, he probably chatted more often with my girlfriend than me, but I still considered him my friend.

Well, anyway, I confronted my girlfriend, and asked her what was going on.

She said that she had lost her earring, and was looking in the closet in case it had snagged on her scarf.

So I asked her what Steve was doing in there with her, holding her head.

She said that he saw her looking, and came to help, and was turning her head to where he saw something glittery on the floor.

She even said that someone accidentally closed the door while they were looking for the earring.

The thing was, I looked, and she wasn't wearing earrings.

So, I became very suspicious that maybe they were fooling around. But it just didn't add up. After all, why would she be on her knees if they were kissing?

She tells me there is no reason to be jealous, and that nothing was happening, but if I would just give her a pearl necklace once in a while, she might not lose her earrings so often.

I just don't see how buying her more jewelry will keep her from losing her earrings. It seems like the more jewelry she has, the more likely she is to lose it.

And, I still keep getting this weird feeling that something just wasn't right.


Signed,

Wondering
(Note: I've been told to change the names to protect the anonymity of our readers - James)

Dear Mr. Dumas,

I think you are overreacting to what was probably a very innocent situation.

Obviously, if your girlfriend was on her knees looking for an earring, she couldn't have been kissing Steve.

And, of course she wasn't wearing earrings - she told you she lost them!

Are you always so jealous of your girlfriend? Let me tell you from experience that nothing can turn off a woman more quickly than jealousy. One of my ex-girlfriends broke up with me when I accused her of messing around under similar circumstances to your own. During a party, I found her in our bed, under a pile of coats, with one of my friends. I yelled and yelled at her. But then she explained that she had her hands in his pants to help him look for his wallet, and I felt really stupid. I apologized, but she left me anyway.

You would think I would have learned, but I accused my next girlfriend of messing around because she kept sneaking into the men's bathroom at our favorite pub - when there were guys in there! She told me that it was just because there was a line in the women's restroom, and she couldn't hold it. And, all the guys in there vouched for her, too.

So, I finally learned my lesson about being jealous. I think you should give your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt here, and tell her you are sorry for being so jealous.

But, just to double check my opinion, I asked Darla what she thought. She agreed with me, and said you should also give her that pearl necklace she wanted, to prove you were sorry.

Funny thing is, she said with Biff gone, she could use a pearl necklace, but I just don't have that kind of money laying around, and I wouldn't want my boss to get jealous because I bought his girlfriend jewelry.

I hope this helps,

James


We are at day 54 of Biff Watch, and we are still asking our loyal readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth.

If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to jehitch@redflagpublishing.com, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.


Thanks,
James Hitchcock
Editorial Director
Red Flag Publishing

Oh, and PLEASE ... BUY OUR BOOKS!

I want a baby; he doesn't!

Where in the World
is Biff Humble?
Uploaded by James Hitchcock

Dear Readers,
While we search for Biff, our editorial director has offered to step into Biff's shoes, and promises to answer your questions with as much humor and insight as our fearless publisher ...

Every man loves babies

Dear Biff

I've been married to a wonderful man for two years and we are very happy. I'm 34, he's 41. It's my first marriage, his second, and he has two children that he has raised on his own. Before we became engaged, he said he didn't want any more children. I didn't either, at the time.

But now, all I can think about is having a baby. We've talked and talked about it, and he sticks to his guns. He says that he's already been through that part of his life, and I knew that going into the marriage. He says he's too old, that it would cost to much to raise another child, and that it would take too much time away from us as a couple.

I love this man dearly, but I desperately want a child. How can I get him to change his mind?

Signed,

Marion in Mattawan


Dear Marion,

I just don't understand why your husband wouldn't want to have more children. Children are great. I wish I had more of them.

Your husband probably just doesn't know yet that he wants another baby. Just keep bringing up the subject (at least five or six times a day), and eventually, he'll come around.

If he doesn't, you could either threaten to never have sex with him again, or "accidentally" forget to take your birth control.*

I'm sure that once you were pregnant, he would be deliriously happy.

I hope this helps,

James

*Biff would probably have offered to inseminate you in many different ways at this point of the letter, so in an effort to be humorous, I will say that if your husband doesn't give in, I will offer to visit the local sperm bank and leave a deposit while thinking lewd and lascivious thoughts about you. You can then make arrangements to pick up the sample, and use it to become pregnant. But, if you do so, I would like to be a part of the baby's life, even if he (I'm already calling the baby "he") doesn't know that I'm really the father. You can just call me "Uncle Jim."


We are at day 47 of Biff Watch, and a reader reported seeing Biff in Sloppy Joe's Bar in Key West. We don't have any photographic corroboration, but it sounds like the kind of place he'd hang out.

We are still asking our loyal readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth.

If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to jehitch@redflagpublishing.com, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.

Please, we need your help.

Thanks,
James Hitchcock
Editorial Director
Red Flag Publishing

Oh, and PLEASE ... BUY OUR BOOKS!

I like fresh-caught crabs

Where in the World
is Biff Humble?
Uploaded by James Hitchcock

Dear Readers,
While we search for Biff, our editorial director has offered to step into Biff's shoes, and promises to answer your questions with as much humor and insight as our fearless publisher ...

Crabs are easy to find
in New Jersey

Dear Biff

I am from the midwest, and will be vactioning out east this spring, and I was wondering if you can tell me where I can catch crabs in New Jersey?

Signed,

Matt, from Battle Creek


Dear Matt,

My friend Joe Willy called a friend who lives in Mt. Laurel, New Jersey, and he says, "On just about any street corner."

I'm not sure what this means, but Joe assures me it's very funny.

I hope this helps,

James


We are at day 45 of Biff Watch, and our most recent reader sighting was near the Horn of Africa.

We are still asking our loyal readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth.

If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to jehitch@redflagpublishing.com, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.

Please, we need your help. The really scary guy in sunglasses and a black sedan came back and he said,

"Tell dat Daisy boozehound he's in da dutch wit Shy. Da big man don't care dat Biff's on a nut, he wants his vig for them Gs Biff put down on da bangtails, and if Biff don't cough up the cabbage soon," he'd be "back with Roscoe, and dey'd start spittin' metal." And, he said, "Chin-time was done; even tho day useta drink from da same bottle when day was in da bit, bizness was bizness," and Biff "better be heeled next time I sees him, or he'll end up aired out in a Chicago overcoat," and that he "didn't care what schmoes went on da trip wit him."

At least that's what I think he said, I was writing as fast as I could, and when I asked the guy to repeat himself, he said,

"Ya dumb as well as queer, palooka? I gots no time ta bump guns wit you, jus' give Biff the message, or your tits'll be in da wringer, too."

I have not idea what any of that means, but I think it has something to do with Biff being gay, or something.

Thanks,
James Hitchcock
Editorial Director
Red Flag Publishing

Oh, and PLEASE ... BUY OUR BOOKS!

Biff Watch, Day 35

Where in the World
is Biff Humble?
Uploaded by James Hitchcock

Our readers have a rather peculiar sense of humor ...


Dear readers,

Since I posted the entry "Red Flag Publishing needs your help! We can't find our publisher, Biff Humble," we have been flooded with reports of Biff sightings.

Some of them are serious, and some of them, -ahem- let's say, not so serious. Unfortunately, those that were not so serious were most likely to include photos:

I said, "he may be sporting
several days' beard growth"
Not, "He looks like
a homeless John Huston."

Our first photo, from a reader in Boston, appears to be a really old guy who resembles what movie director John Huston might look like were he living on the street for several years and eating rats. This is definitely not Biff, by about 30 years and a thousand lice.

Remember, I said Biff "has been gone for more than three weeks," not "he's been living on the streets most of his life."

Biff is not an old
English fart, either

Second on the list is one sent by a UK reader. Bad news: Biff is also not some Brit plonker who looks like his idea of a brilliant Saturday night is a six-hour solo piss-up capped by wanking his willie whilst looking at PR glossies of the Queen Mum taped to the loo wall, and fantasizing that he's busting his knackers in her arse.

Another Brit wanker

Our next entry, from the Commonwealth of Virginia, is nothing but the image of Sir Walter Raleigh from a tobacco tin.

Come on, show some ingenuity, people.

Not Biff, either, but getting closer

From a reader in Kuwait, we have this wonderful example of ... I'm guessing not active military, but maybe a reservist?

While too fat, and a bit too old to be Biff, at least this is a more likely place to find him. But, while Biff does seem to have an affinity for war zones, any place that does not allow alcohol quickly falls from the list of likely locales where he might be found.

Frosty the Biffman

These next two from Midwestern U.S. readers, are really disappointing.

Come on.

The "Biff Clause" in our
publishing contracts

How much effort did you expend for these entries?

15.026 seconds on a Google image search???

The holidays are over. Pack away your holly berries 'till next year.

Biff on a cold morning?

Our last entry this week is from a reader in Georgia who either completely misunderstood the assignment, or was watching The Squid Billies while reading my post, and missed an important part of the search.

I said, Biff is "prone to smoke a pipe," not ...

Uhhhhhh, well maybe this reader is actually the most brilliant one of the group (sort of like saying he's the brightest Special Ed student), because Darla just leaned over my shoulder and said, of the bunch, this photo most closely resembles Biff - at least on a cold morning.

So, we are now a month into our Biff Watch (I hear Fox News is working up a logo), and we are no further ahead, thanks to our smartass readers.

Again, we are asking you to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth.

If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to jehitch@redflagpublishing.com, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.

Please, we need your help. Our computer nerd has hacked the password to the Cayman Islands bank account, but this really scary guy in sunglasses and a black sedan keeps dropping by to ask for Biff, and he's really creeping me out.

Thanks,
James Hitchcock
Editorial Director
Red Flag Publishing