Friday, February 16, 2007

I want a baby; he doesn't!

Dear Readers,
While we search for Biff, our editorial director has offered to step into Biff's shoes, and promises to answer your questions with as much humor and insight as our fearless publisher ...

Dear Biff

I've been married to a wonderful man for two years and we are very happy. I'm 34, he's 41. It's my first marriage, his second, and he has two children that he has raised on his own. Before we became engaged, he said he didn't want any more children. I didn't either, at the time.

But now, all I can think about is having a baby. We've talked and talked about it, and he sticks to his guns. He says that he's already been through that part of his life, and I knew that going into the marriage. He says he's too old, that it would cost to much to raise another child, and that it would take too much time away from us as a couple.

I love this man dearly, but I desperately want a child. How can I get him to change his mind?


Marion in Mattawan

Dear Marion,

I just don't understand why your husband wouldn't want to have more children. Children are great. I wish I had more of them.

Your husband probably just doesn't know yet that he wants another baby. Just keep bringing up the subject (at least five or six times a day), and eventually, he'll come around.

If he doesn't, you could either threaten to never have sex with him again, or "accidentally" forget to take your birth control.*

I'm sure that once you were pregnant, he would be deliriously happy.

I hope this helps,


*Biff would probably have offered to inseminate you in many different ways at this point of the letter, so in an effort to be humorous, I will say that if your husband doesn't give in, I will offer to visit the local sperm bank and leave a deposit while thinking lewd and lascivious thoughts about you. You can then make arrangements to pick up the sample, and use it to become pregnant. But, if you do so, I would like to be a part of the baby's life, even if he (I'm already calling the baby "he") doesn't know that I'm really the father. You can just call me "Uncle Jim."

We are at day 47 of Biff Watch, and a reader reported seeing Biff in Sloppy Joe's Bar in Key West. We don't have any photographic corroboration, but it sounds like the kind of place he'd hang out.

We are still asking our loyal readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth.

If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.

Please, we need your help.

James Hitchcock
Editorial Director
Red Flag Publishing


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