Thursday, February 15, 2007

I like fresh-caught crabs

Dear Readers,
While we search for Biff, our editorial director has offered to step into Biff's shoes, and promises to answer your questions with as much humor and insight as our fearless publisher ...

Dear Biff

I am from the midwest, and will be vactioning out east this spring, and I was wondering if you can tell me where I can catch crabs in New Jersey?


Matt, from Battle Creek

Dear Matt,

My friend Joe Willy called a friend who lives in Mt. Laurel, New Jersey, and he says, "On just about any street corner."

I'm not sure what this means, but Joe assures me it's very funny.

I hope this helps,


We are at day 45 of Biff Watch, and our most recent reader sighting was near the Horn of Africa.

We are still asking our loyal readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth.

If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.

Please, we need your help. The really scary guy in sunglasses and a black sedan came back and he said,

"Tell dat Daisy boozehound he's in da dutch wit Shy. Da big man don't care dat Biff's on a nut, he wants his vig for them Gs Biff put down on da bangtails, and if Biff don't cough up the cabbage soon," he'd be "back with Roscoe, and dey'd start spittin' metal." And, he said, "Chin-time was done; even tho day useta drink from da same bottle when day was in da bit, bizness was bizness," and Biff "better be heeled next time I sees him, or he'll end up aired out in a Chicago overcoat," and that he "didn't care what schmoes went on da trip wit him."

At least that's what I think he said, I was writing as fast as I could, and when I asked the guy to repeat himself, he said,

"Ya dumb as well as queer, palooka? I gots no time ta bump guns wit you, jus' give Biff the message, or your tits'll be in da wringer, too."

I have not idea what any of that means, but I think it has something to do with Biff being gay, or something.

James Hitchcock
Editorial Director
Red Flag Publishing


No comments: