But We Don't Want Kids!

There really is no substitute for the phallic

symbolism of a smoke-spewing steam locomotive
Originally uploaded by Biff Humble

Today, Biff gives us a glimpse into the future


Dear Biff,

I am getting married soon to a really great guy. We share a lot of goals in life, one of those is that neither of us wants children. We both have college degrees, successful careers, and don't want children to interfere with our climbs up the corporate ladder. On top of that, we are in our 30s and don't want to still be tied down with brats into our late 50s.

Family, friends, and acquaintances are always asking us when we're going to start a family. When I tell them that we don't want children, invariably, they lecture us about how wonderful children are and how much we would be missing.

Both of us love children. There are nieces and nephews which we enjoy visiting, but "visiting" is the operative word. When we are sick of them, we can leave. We enjoy having the kind of lifestyle where we can travel at the drop of a hat, dine out whenever we like, and work late without worrying about child care.

How can we respond to people who question our choice?

— Childless by Choice

Dear Sophie's Choice,

Perhaps your family, friends, and acquaintances simply don't want you to escape from the endless drudgery to which they are enslaved: changing diapers, cooking meals, cleaning up poop, and listening to sniveling little brats whine when they realize they are not the center of the universe.

They call it the crab bucket syndrome: If you go out and catch a bucket of crabs, soon one will try to scale the side of the bucket to escape. Rather than encouraging him, his fellow captives will grab at his legs and pull him back into the bucket to ensure he suffers the same fate as the rest of them.

And, I can sympathize with them. I'm not sure anyone deserves the kind of happiness that being financially successful and childless would bring to a couple.

But, look at this another way: You and your husband both sound like highly-educated, culturally knowledgeable, valuable members of society. A large percentage of couples like yourselves are remaining childless, yet our country still has a birthrate that provides complete replenishment of the population.

So, who then is having children?

A bunch of cousin-fuckin' morons in Winchester, West Virginia and Hollywood, Florida that think Big Time Wrestling, Larry the Cable Guy, and wine coolers are high culture. How the fuck else can you explain that NASCAR is the fastest growing sport in the country?

Add to that the illiterate, uneducated masses that are jumping the fence every day to get here, and you should be able to see the freight train that is looming in the distance, heading straight for you.

If not, let me make this clear: At a time when low-skilled, dead-end manufacturing jobs are disappearing faster than beluga caviar at a meeting of the Massachusetts Society of Mayflower Descendants, you are helping to ensure that the segment of our population capable of only such work will continue to grow.

In that light, don't you think your decision is just an eensie, weensie bit selfish?

I hope this helps.

Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Do you have a lot of extra cash to invest in a questionable business venture? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit Red Flag Publishing to BUY OUR BOOKS!

They Used to Have a Name for Women Like This ...

How Men See Women in a Bar
Originally uploaded by Biff Humble

Again, biff finds the silver lining to a very slutty cloud (and we mean "slutty" in its most positive sense of the word).


Dear Biff

I am in a relationship with a woman who has a bunch of guy friends. She had all of these friends when we began dating, so I felt kind of special that I was the one getting laid.

But now, a year into it, she still spends a lot of time with these guys. Sometimes it seems like more than she spends with me. She hangs out with them at the bar a lot, and although she swears that nothing has ever happened, she has admitted that several of them have come on to her.

I would like to continue seeing her, but I'm feeling more and more insecure about her hanging out with "the guys.'

What should I do?

Trying to be sympathetic

Dear Simp:

It's time to face the fact that your girlfriend is a slut.

Not just any old, run-of-the-mill slut, she is the worst kind of slut: An attention slut. She's the kind of chick who likes to hang out with guys at the bar who constantly buy her drinks and hang on her every word. Why does she do this? Because it makes her feel special to be the center of attention, and it makes her feel powerful to command her gaggle of men friends like they were a pack of trained poodles. And why would the guys do this? They are hoping to be the one who gets lucky that night.

Let me digress here: How do I know that the guys are thinking this? Because they are guys. What other reason would they have to hang around with a woman in a bar? Intellectually stimulating conversation? Yeah, right.

Guys hang around women in bars because they hope that with enough liquor in them, the women might suddenly be struck by an attack of the hornies at the same moment in time that their judgment in men is sufficiently dampened to the point that anything standing upright on three legs will do, and they might be the guy lucky enough to be standing next to them when that rare confluence of events happens.

Now, back to my main point: Why is your girlfriend the worst type of slut? Because after sucking up all the time, money and conversation that these guys could have been using on some other slut who might actually expose her genitalia to them, your girlfriend goes home and bangs you.

But, there is a bright side to having a girlfriend who is an attention slut. It means you don't have to spend your time, money and conversation just to get into her pants. These other guys have spent their whole night priming the pump, and you get to fuck the living hell out of the water.

So, what the hell are you complaining about? The worst thing that could happen is that some night she might suddenly be struck by an attack of the hornies at the same moment in time that her judgment in men is sufficiently dampened to the point that anything standing upright on three legs will do.

In which case, you just ask her to take a shower before coming to bed.

I hope this helps.

Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Do you have a lot of extra cash to invest in a questionable business venture? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit Red Flag Publishing to BUY OUR BOOKS!

Help, My Mom Won't Come To Visit!

The sign I put up when my mother-in-law visits
Originally uploaded by Biff Humble

Today, Biff ... ummmmm ... well, he thinks ... uhhhh, that is, he wonders ... well, just read on, and see for yourself:

Dear Biff,

I am at the end of my wits.

My husband and my mother have never gotten along well, but during my parent's last visit, things got uglier than usual.

My mother has always been outspoken, and she made some critical comments about my husband. He responded, telling her that if she found his company so displeasurable, she needn't force herself to endure it, and could ease her pain very simply: by leaving his house.

Of course, she stalked out. She then made my father cut short their visit by several days, and returned home (they live about a thousand miles away).

So, now the problem: the holidays are approaching, and my parents always fly out to visit us for the week between Christmas and New Year's Day. But, my mother phoned me this week to say that this year they would not be traveling to see us.

This will be the first year in our 15-year marriage that we have not spent the holidays together. What should I do?

Signed,

Hoping for a reconciliation

Dear Hope,

Let me see if I understand this correctly:

For the first time in 15 years, your husband does not have to spend his Christmas holiday being insulted in his own home by your overly critical, hypersensitive, domineering mother.

I don't see any problem here.

Next question?

I hope this helps.

Need advice on your relationship? Are you a wealthy single woman looking for a man to support? Do you have a lot of extra cash to invest in a questionable business venture? Write to biffhumble@redflagpublishing.com. And visit Red Flag Publishing to BUY OUR BOOKS!