Biff is Back!!!

Guess who finally
checked in?
Uploaded by Biff Humble

Editor's Note:
Dear Readers,
I received the following note and manuscript in a crumpled DHL envelope this week:

Dear R.F. Peons:

I have tried to remain incognito and let you jokers run things while I was doing research for my new college psychology textbook, The Three Feminine Personality Types. But I can no longer stand to watch you pussy-up my column! Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT under any circumstances post any more of your namby-pamby limp-writsted liberal advice on MY BLOG! Enclosed is an entry for What Would Biff Say?

Also attached is a commentary which is to be posted immediately on Alfalfa Was Right. (Click here to read Biff's rant on Private Equity buyouts)

Oh, by the way, my shit better be where I left it when I return,and keep your damn hands of Darla!

Biff

Your first acting lesson:
Be sure to open your mouth wide
when you speak; no, even wider,
and enunciate as you repeat:
"I oont ohhh eee a acwess."

Dear Biff:

I want to be an actress more than anything in the whole, wide world. The problem is, my parents are dead-set against it. They think I'm too "smart" to be an actress, and that acting is too risky a career path.

But I love theatre, and am determined to do this. I don't want to do it behind my parents' backs, but if they insist, I'm just going to pack my stuff and head to Hollywood.

What can I say to convince them?

signed
Desiring a lead role

Dear Drama Queen

First off, I think your parents are wrong that you are too "smart" to be an actress. Just the fact that you want to be an actress proves you aren't too smart.

Second, Hollywood is already full of actresses. Only there, they call them "waitresses."

Your parents are correct that acting is a risky career path. You will face incredible competition for parts, and will have to prove that you are better than all the rest.

How do you do this?

Well, you must learn to enunciate very well. Even when you have your mouth full. Go visit your dentist, ask him to put as many dental instruments into your mouth as will fit, and then keep repeating, "I want to be an actress." Don't be surprised if it comes out nearly unintelligible and sounding like "I oont ooohh eeee a acwess." But, don't worrry, most casting agents are used to listening to actresses when they have their mouths full.

Oh, and practice it on your knees, as well.

I hope this helps.


-Biff Humble
May 21, 2007
from a bar in
Karst, Slovenia

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