She Wants Variety

Where in the World
is Biff Humble?
Uploaded by James Hitchcock

Dear Readers,
While we search for Biff, our editorial director has offered to step into Biff's shoes, and promises to answer your questions with as much humor and insight as our fearless publisher; however, for some reason, the letters have dried up since he started answering them. But, finally, we've received a couple queries. Here's the first addressed to him:

What do you like to spread
on your English Muffin?

Dear James

My husband and I have been married for a little over four years, and lately, I've been fantasizing about having sex with other men. I'd like to have one night stands with lots of different men, but I would never want my husband to be upset, so I think he should do the same (with women of course). I just don't know how to approach him on this for fear he may become upset and accuse me of wanting to cheat on him. What should I do?

Play Misty for Me

Dear Misty,

Whenever you start to feel these urges, you should pull out your marriage license, and remember the vows you took four years ago. It's O.K. to fantasize about other men, you just shouldn't act on it. Maybe you two could play dress-up to help the fantasy?

Just don't do what my ex girlfriend did, and keep calling me by my best friend's name ...

Ironically, they are living together now. I guess when she calls out, "Alan! Alan!" he won't even realize she's yelling someone else's name.

In a way, you remind me of the wife of this artist who works at our comics company, only she wants to try lots of different kinds of food, which, I suppose is not as bad as wanting to try lots of different men.

But it does start to bug me after a while, when she keeps asking me, "Do you like seafood?" and I say, "Yes," and she says, "How about clams?" Then she will come up to me and ask, "Do you like Mexican food?" and I say, "Yes," and she asks me, "How about tacos?"

She must not be too bright, because almost certainly if I like seafood I would like clams, and tacos if I liked Mexican food. Logic is so often lost on women.

But, what bugs me most is when she comes up and says, "Do you like food from Great Britain?" and I will say, "Yes," and she will ask me, "Would you like to spread my English Muffin?"

Now, first of all, I'm really busy with Biff gone, and hardly have time to help her make her breakfast. And second, how would I know what she wants on her English Muffin?

Sometimes girls can be so irritating.

If it weren't for that cute English accent she has, I don't know if I could stand to be around her.

I hope this helps,
James

We are at day 79 of Biff Watch, and we are still asking our loyal readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth.

If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to jehitch@redflagpublishing.com, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.


Thanks,
James Hitchcock
Editorial Director
Red Flag Publishing

Oh, and PLEASE ... BUY OUR BOOKS!